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| Blogs > rm_DesireVie > Desire's Life Says It All |
Dis-Interested
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Dis-Interested I can remember sitting here one night in late 2005. I got a pop-up saying, chances at 99% I could get laid in my hone town tonite. Now, I have extensive internet/network experience, you can figure out within a very small area where someone lives by reverse name lookups, ip addresses etc. But getting laid? haha, but it got me here. My first account was a joke, the nickname was LonelyGirl14304, which i even used the wrong zip code, but I don't remember now if i goofed or picked it that way. I did not frequent the room I do now, but drifted around with amazement at the things I viewed on cameras. I got into the gender room around spring 2006 maybe, and began to chat there regularly, if not exclusively. This is where I am about to make some serious enemies of those who calim to be similar to myself. I don't care anymore. At first glance, my purpose became to seek out others truly similar to me. Let med state what I claim that to be. I went public the first time in 1975. There were no networks of other tg/ts/cd/tv whatever. There were no doctors or psycologists to talk to. I followed the time honored peer thing set for us mostly by paents and married, had , got a mortgage, went in debt miles over my head etc. In 1997 that ended and I was free to grip this thing that can not be therapied(?) out of you, but can only be dealt with professionally. I had been to "professionals", and I quote it as none of them were in this field of study since 1985. In 1997 I would go to gay bars, where it appeared the only safe place for a guy in a dress could go. I did meet a few who told me the names of professionals that did exist who knew gender knowledge. Off I went, and after 2 years or so, and lots of reading at both the library on gender, medicine, helath, and extensive use of this new toy called the internet, gripped what I thought I was and how to act upon it personally. 1999 I began hormone replacement therapy, the real life test in ernest, because before it I spent much of my time more as a male than as a female. Inside my head I was a femae, but to the world, only God knows what others thought. In 2000, I landed my first employment in where it was ok to some extent to be myself, in appearance etc. We talked and the arraingment we had was, once it happens, there is no going back. Meaning, a male was hired, as the female appears, there is no more male to go back to. No, I got up to late, couldnt get ready, I didnt have clean female clothes so I wore the male etc. I was married too long, not to notice my wife had to get up earlier than I might have, to prepare her appearance etc, so I had to now to. Yes, some days she wore jeans, sneakers, no makeup etc, but if I have to go into more detail you are reading the wrong blog, leave now. This was a blessing in disguise. One of those pure examples of "Watch what you ask for, you might get it". I found myself still dressing at times like that guy in a dress in the 90's, wearing makeup like i saw on the drag queens, you know, all you own at the same time? I stuffed a bra, and they werent always the same size. I bought Making Faces by Kevyn Aucoin, learned what the hell I was doing. Went to MAC for makeovers. Bought forms so it never varied, got a perm so it stayed consistant etc. Now, I am not saying I had to, nor that it was necessary, but it helped force me to be consistant. More importantly, It forced me to observe other females and their behavior, which in no way, shape or form, was how I behaved. I was still a guy. This job didnt last, as you might have figured. Damage done during that helped my exit, as the things I leaned happened to late into that experience. They did not go unnoticed for the future. When In Rome, Do As The Romans. Less Is More. The one I learned the hardest, but took to heart the most was, "If you let someone else row your boat, its gonna go where they wanna take it". I was born a male, I want to die as a female. Period. I still to this day can't really say I even know what that means. I wasn't raised, reared or had the peer groups as a female, say as my ex wife or sister would have. But I did shape a plan, a goal, a path and decided where I was going and what I would be from the start to the end. I have lived as if I was a female to the eyes of those observing me since. There is no boy mode, there is no girl mode. Do not ever think that, act as that, wish for that, behave as that. If you do you are a failure in life skills. There is one mode, you, or for me, one mode, me. I began to realise something I should have all along, and one my doctor should have said, oh no, now it is gonna get rough. The next thing I formulated I need to do was this. "You can get all you want outta life, if you just help enough other people get what they want outta of life." I had to give to get, spend to earn, love to be loved. Everything you do is a relationship, easily defined as supply and demand. They have it, I want or need it. I have it, they want or need it. If a person shows you care, they want it back or they go elsewhere. An employer wants a task performed, you do do not do it, they get someone to. If you give to others, you will get it back, 99% of the time. The others are takers. Maybe you have met some. What did you do when you did? Passed them over for another right? Do not be a taker, be a giver. It has been nearly 6 1/2 years since the first chance to be myself in the eyes of the public. It has been a hell of a ride. The bumps, as most wish to claim, are caused by external sources. I say they are not, they are internal. It is known as react or respond. When a doctor says to you, those pills i gave you are reacting, uh oh, you become aware, afraid etc. When the doctor says, those pills I gave you are responding, good. Take the things that happen to you in the public and respond to them, do not react. What others do and say, what they think does matter because it is a relationship. Do they have what I need, do I have what they need? Think about, I am right on this, I have since 1997 in public, as prove it is right. I live as ME full time. It is not a girl as a girl, it is not a boy as a girl, it is me. What you see if a composite of all I have learned, good and bad, all of it has shaped me into the person you have met here. I get up every morning like you. I bathed, dress, eat, work, do household chores, pay bills, commute, sleep nd repeat it daily, just like you do. We are all the same. What you see when you see me, is what I do in order for ME to be what I want to see. It is my choice. I do not do it for anyone else. When I look in that mirro in the morning, I still many times see the male born in 1957. I do not know why, maybe I still have issues to work on. The external results you see daily, the hair, makeup, clothes or whatever, are for ME. Not you, not him, her, the world etc. In order to perform to your maximum, you must be happy with yourself. Want to go up? then dress up. Want to raise your IQ? Read, learn. "A person can not perform in a manner that exceeds what they see themselves as". Does this mean I need to present myself in a manner that meets or exceeds my own self expectations? You damn well bet it does. Back to the beginning of this blog entry. I have met a limited few, like count them on one hand who are like me. I have also met several who are not like me, but who are honest about themselves and their life, and that is just what I wanted to find, real warm blooded, honest, caring adult friends. But in the grand scheme, I have also encountered thousands who are as fake as a 3 dollar bill. The viel of anonynimity the internet gives us, sucks so bad, and the volumns of people who abuse it makes me sick. The 1000's of guy who come along, with no hello who demand we, as "trans" people, give them pleasure sexually makes me puke. In the "real" world, you do not walk up to a total stranger, and demand anything without forming some kind of relationship first. With this in mind, I have formed relationships here. I treasure them. I hope to retain them a long time to come. I will not participate in this trough full of feed for which any animal may come and feed from any longer. I have decided to curtail, if not cease all activities here. I am not getting work done, not cleaning my home, sleeping well, and some of the crap I observe here has followed my outside of chat and affected me elsewhere. I can not afford this to happen. Love, Desiré |
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2/9/2007 10:37 am |
Hi there Ya'll Im beth another girl Like Desire and in the time that she and I have talked i have seen myself and my belifes in her also ! now what she writes in here is a very factual view on many things one being the net and the fakes I cant say how much I Agree with her on this view this place is to full of them. One in particular likes to down Desire for no better reason than to try and make herself feel better. then to find out the girl { if U want to call her that! } is a closet x-dresser and not a very good one @ that { Ever seen mimi from the Drew Cary show ? } I love desire very much like 2 sisters love eachother { No sibling fights tho :] } and If anyone really takes the time to get to know her they do also she is a one of a kind person and very strong in her belifes and in her self ! so read all and take note to what she says as she really does know whats goin on in life !
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2/9/2007 3:15 pm |
I'm Sara. I'm new. I first encountered Desire no more than two weeks ago in chat. We never really directly communicated until just now. Last week she she made some statements in the chatroom that really struck a chord with me. I don't need to repeat them, I'll just say they were important to me. Like her, I know full well that I am who I am. I've lived as a male all my life; my identity struggle has just begun. It's comforting to know when I look in the mirror and say (out loud) "Oh, my god" that I'm not alone. Desire Vie, your honesty and integrity mean the world to me, and that's coming from one who has really just met you. You are one powerful person - don't ever forget that. I am who I am, and thanks to you, I can say that.... ~~~~ Sara
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2/15/2007 1:10 am |
Had enough of that BS in the chat room huh?,... your alright by me girl, I've ben gone a wile now myself.. TC girl Lola
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Des, As someone who has grown to love and respect you over the last year I must say that what you have written here has really struck a chord within me. There are few in this world who have learned the gift of giving and fewer still who truly understand it. Another gift we've been given is the gift of having to learn who we really are. Few in this world have never given a thought to who they are, as for them its never changed. While we must dig deep to overcome a life time of living as someone else to find the real 'me'. Love and Prayers, Jackie
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