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| Blogs > rm_trainmepls1 > Seven Eves |
Advice needed about family argument over Christmas
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Advice needed about family argument over Christmas This post is only viewable by Local Sexy Swingers members. Join Local Sexy Swingers now! |
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First, family stuff is never about the stuff at hand. It's always about complex issues that stretch back yeaaaars. My mother and sister don't really see any truth in the way my brother is perceiving things. The need to get that if it's his perception it is true. It might not be for them but that doesn't matter, they need to acknowledge that he feels that way and that his feelings are as valid as their perceptions and feelings. I think your brother has the right idea and I'm amazed you all didn't do this before. Throw up a survey, let people indicate a 1st, 2md and 3rd preference for dates and move from there. It sounds like it's time to begin a new tradition.
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Ok, couple of thoughts here. Aside from the underlying dynamics that seem to be going on, I think you could handle this 2 ways. First would be that you, your sister, and your brother could each take turns each year planning the Christmas gathering. Excluding your parents from that is based on the assumption they most likely have the most flexible schedules. If that's not plausible then option B would be to have your brother let you know by a certain date what days (and there needs to be several) around the holiday work best for them. That may not always guarantee that you can accommodate their busy schedule each year, but at least they'll have let you known in advance what they can do.
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I agree with browneyedBBW in that there are probably deep-seated and long-standing family issues at the root of all the bad feelings, and I also agree that the survey, while not a bad idea, could still leave schedule conflicts unresolved and is probably too little, too late for THIS year (given all the hard feelings raised already). . That said, the thing about families is that there's usually at least an undercurrent of affection that allows conflicts to be at least ignored, if not fully resolved. . In the interest of full disclosure, I'm the b/f to which reference is made, and I'm a large part of the problem, since my work schedule conflicts with just about every "normal" work schedule...I work on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday which leaves the weekend (when everyone ELSE is free) out, and since I work in a liquor store (in the evening), the weekends before and after Christmas are particularly busy and therefore difficult for work schedule rearrangements. If I remove myself from the picture, the scheduling for trainmepls1's family gathering becomes a LOT easier, but of course that means that she has to travel alone, and be the only one there without a partner. . I don't see a really good solution to the problem unless I quit my job so that my weekends are free (my work schedule has been a problem for other family visits as well)...and I'm afraid that the atmosphere this year has been so poisoned that any arrangements made at this point are going to be so fraught with caution about opening fresh wounds that one will be able to cut the tension with a knife. Not really a celebratory atmosphere. . This is not to say that I blame myself for the intra-family problems that clearly existed before I was ever in the picture, but I do recognize that the requirements of my work schedule probably have a lot to do with bringing these long-suppressed feelings in trainmepls1's family to the surface at a particularly vulnerable time of year. . It's really too bad, because trainme's family is truly delightful...I really LIKE my erstwhile in-laws...and I hate to see them fighting among themselves over what should be a holiday celebration of family. . 
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That is such a loaded situation as I know you are aware of. In this situation someone is going to have to be the leader, step forward and say, Let's do It. By that I mean, choose one of his suggested dates, compromise and go with it. It may feel like you are walking on eggs at first, but hopefully things will loosen up as the party lengthens. Or, you three sibs could get together on your own and just try to talk things out. No boyfriends, no husbands or wives, just the three of you. If that's possible. Try to do this before the rift becomes to wide for an open discussion. The trick is, to be honest, which I'm sure you would be, but, also not to allow any kind of conflicting conversation to creep into the meeting. I'm sure there are misconceptions and misunderstandings that need to be healed between the three of you. I suggest the three of you because your Mom may bring to much emotion to the table and ignite a powder keg. Afterwards, go back to your respective partners and talk about your hopeful solution (s). Allowing your brother to choose the date this year may help in the healing process. Good luck. I know the holiday season can bring such stress to a family. Good Luck in the direction you choose. Bud Always Ready for Fun.
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Update: I asked my sister if she wanted to try to get the three of us siblings together and have a talk, but she says she's not interested. She feels very strongly that my brother is in the wrong and that he's the one who needs to make the first move to repair all the damage that he's done to our family. She thinks he's delusional, seeing grudges and conspiracies to exclude his wife where none exist. I REALLY don't know how to get around any of this. Maybe there's just nothing I can do, and I should just let it go. 
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11/18/2012 7:14 pm |
I've thought MANY times on how to reply/respond to your blog. I don't have any advice as far as this year goes...sorry. Basically, the damage is done & a cooling off period needs to adhere. Even if you all get together there will be major tension then it may be worth. I've been there/done that. Good luck to you. However, in the future there is a website that site escapes me @ the present time which everyone lists dates available & then you pick from there the majority free date. Maybe it will help for next year. To bad your brother couldn't be the bigger person because it is his mother & life is to short.
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11/19/2012 6:25 pm |
While @ work the website popped in my head...lol It is www.doodle.com. It pains me to say that unfortunatley as far as over coming the issue for myself well....my father was diagnosed with cancer right after the blow out & that first year was TERRIBLE. However, since then basically now the argument is stupid & everything gets worked around my parents schedule. However, there is always tension in the air around Christmas.
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As someone whose precious family is gone, I can honestly tell you that harboring bad feelings and angst is a total waste of precious time. The thing is, at least in my opinion, everyone is entitled to their perceptions and feelings. Your brother and his wife FEEL slighted for some reason, even if that isn't anywhere near the truth of things. I believe an expectation that a simple apology and/or a family hug being the immediate cure, is probably unrealistic. . For some reason, people feel that they are required to be happier at this time of year, than at any other time. They frequently spend themselves into the poor house, drink themselves into insensibility or place expectations on those around them, which have little or no basis in reality. THAT's a whole lot of pressure. If you add normal family dynamics into the mix--WOW! I believe you just found a new way to spell potential! . My Grandmother told me, once upon a time, that the person I was in charge of was me. That goes for expressed ideas, attitudes and actions. Mannnn...I just hated how simple that sounded and how complicated it actually was to execute. The fact is, though, she was right when she told me, and it still sounds right to me. . YOU can't necessarily fix a thing by becoming embroiled in someone else's drama. Your brother is a big boy. If he had an issue with your sister and Mom, he should have taken it up with them before it escalated to this point. Unfortunately, he failed to do so. Your Mom and sister may have--could have--inadvertently given off a vibe that your sister-in-law picked up on, at some point. It seems pretty unlikely that anything is going to be satisfactorily resolved two weeks before Christmas and a big family event. . My suggestion would be this. Do yourselves a favor, throw away the calendar and take the stress out of the holidays. Make them VOLUNTARY, instead of mandatory. If someone has a year where they just want to stay home and look at their own tree--wish them well. Call them, Send them cards and presents. Miss them. But don't guilt them. If your brother and sister-in-law ONLY elect to see her parents at the holidays every year...yes, it would be a shame. The thing is, you'd still have 363 days in the year to do something together as a family, without any anger associated with it. Make your own opportunities for memories and bag the rest, sugar. . 
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For the most part I agree with Wanna's post. But it would seem that someone wants to control most of the others. Oh well, something or someone has to give; it's just deciding whether giving in is worth the effort and pain. And everyone has their own perception of what "really happened", so trying to talk about it doesn't always work because you just don't remember "it" the same as everyone else. good luck, and remember - when all else fails - go ahead and be happy for yourself because sometimes you just can't help anyone else.
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