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| Blogs > jswonderful2010 > Alphasiren~ Swim with me~ |
The Fuckit List
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The Fuckit List Fuckit. Fuckit, fuckit, fuckit. Urban dictionary defines this as: The Fuckit List A list of people, male or female, you want to have sexual intercourse with before you die. We all have them. Our B(f)ucket list. The mystical mythical list of what if's. Most of us will admit to dreaming up the vanilla "bucket list." What lies underneath this common list is the is the sub-list of desires and dark passionate scenarios that we often whisper often to ourselves in our dreams. Not just the who(s) on the list, it is the what, where and when that I am exploring. I have been re-examining my list. And I am actually a little stunned to find there is more evolving there than I would choose to share even with myself. Things that scare me a little bit. This goes back to my earlier "twisted" post. A primal need to go deep and into a different side of me. What will I find there? The fear of the unknown stops me. Wonder if I get into a place I can't get out of? Could I do damage to my current relationships by stepping out too far? It's ironic that I am writing about this idea. I had thought I was done with my list. Been there and done that. I was content to work on other people's lists and support their fantasies. It wasn't until I was volunteering at Club Sesso on Twisted night and a old friend of mine started questioning me about my list. "You've never been with a dwarf," he stated, eyes gleaming."Unless you're going to break my heart and tell me there was someone else like me." I was speechless. I thought about what he said, a lot. What he had done, with a simple sentence, is open the lid of yet another Pandora's box, or should I say AlphaSiren's B(f)ucket List. drum roll please...........*********** 1. John Cusack (Cancer) 2. Mathew Macfadyen (Libra) 3. Javier Bardem (Pisces) 4. a younger Top Gun Val Kilmer (Capricorn) 5. Tie between Gerard Butler (Scorpio) and Lena Headley (Libra) I loved 300!!!! Those are my Hollywood dreams. I could imagine John Cusak bringing me breakfast in bed, Mathew McFayden taking pictures of me while I am in the shower, Javier crying with me after a night of passion, Val trying to plan the perfect date with me. Maybe best of all, an orgy-like hedonistic night of pleasure that Gerard would plan with Lena and me at his total beck and call. Totally HOT!!! RIGHT????? There are many other things coming to the surface that appear to be very "doable" and "attainable." The what, when and how are much more dark and deep. I find it hard to write about these things. I feel almost as if my WILD is battling my mild in this piece. And my "Who" list was generated by mild. Safe, funny and really vanilla. Letting WILD take over still freaks me out on a certain level~ WILD wants to ~ * Explore pain. I have read about it in Jaqueline Carey's Kushiel Series. What would it feel like to be tied up and whipped? I have seen it done and have pictured it being me. The use of knives, razors, teeth. Intense and primal. It fascinates me not just personally, but culturally. We have a growing norm of seeking out pain in our bodies and in our relationship. Tattoos, branding piercing places that have been never done before. Experiencing pain in new ways could be on my list. * Push my boundaries around pride and humility. Being in charge, domination vs. submission. (Just writing this is making me a little squeamish in my seat.) I am so dominant in life, I tend to chill out and be passive in bed. I am such a "good girl." What would it feel like to really take charge and dominate my lover? Make my partner grovel and do things for me that push everyone's comfort level? That might awaken a mighty beast and a part of me that could never be put back in my "box." * Dig in deep and look at my fetishes. What triggers my juices to flow? Food? Clothes? Groups? Public places? Do I really want to do this? I could~ I really could. * Explore past sexual traumas and help them to heal. Some things happened to me while I was young that were not life giving. They scared/scarred the hell out of me. Maybe, just maybe, I need to re-open those places and those experiences and move towards healing them. I know my Striking Viking husband and my All Star boyfriend would be so ready to help me move through these past traumas. Without the fear of being ambushed and unsafe. I could be in a place now at 45 to look at this type of sexual healing and growth. Whew~ OK. That's enough for now~ I urge you to look at your deep dark and your vanilla and explore what you could be doing!?!?! Much love, as always~ xoxoxoxox A/s Alphasiren~ Swimming through the waters of non traditional relationships~  |
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8/24/2011 10:17 am |
good post
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