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Difficult Discussions Without Compromise  

N_Joimi 74M
1227 posts
9/27/2014 8:39 am
Difficult Discussions Without Compromise



I've negotiated as a union leader in my career. And I've haggled as a member of a business leadership team. Some of the most difficult issues have been remarkably easy to solve through conversation, discussion, and a little give and take. It's not the issues that make conversations tough. It's the temperament and attitude of the talkers.

My most difficult conversations have been with those who take a "no compromise" stance, who expect everyone else to do the giving while they do the taking.

My mother-in-law was like that. (It does tend to run in the family.) Her strident nature confounded me at first. Until I learned to expect it from her and not be put off or upset when I'd run up against it. I'd offer a compromise and she'd refuse it. Eventually I realized she thought I was giving her a choice between my compromise offer and her demand. She didn't get it that the compromise was my "final offer", the limits of how far I'd go, that the real choice was between that compromise or the status quo. Our conversations often ended in stalemate.

She went ahead anyway once, doing something I'd objected to that she insisted on even though we hadn't reached an agreement. She was very angry when I refused to thank her. I told her I was disappointed that she didn't respect my "No" and I wasn't going to thank her for that. It was hard to do. I took a lot of flak from my wife for it. And she remained impossible to compromise with. But after that she understood that "No" means "No". I became the only one who could get away with saying that to her.

And I learned that sometimes letting those who won't compromise fail is the only way to for them to learn that sometimes compromise is better than nothing at all.

En-Joy!


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kaampaal 29M
7 posts
9/27/2014 8:48 am

quite a long story,but then how should i rate this


N_Joimi replies on 9/30/2014 8:34 am:
Thanks for your comment. I didn't think this post that long. You can rate it any way you wish. I write to please me not "win" ratings.

kzoopair 73M/71F
25831 posts
9/27/2014 1:16 pm

Oh, good post! I've known people like that too- we all do. You stood your ground without being combative- the only adult in the room. I really enjoyed reading this one! Coulda been twice as long... I still woulda liked it!

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N_Joimi replies on 9/30/2014 8:32 am:
Thanks. Yes, "the only adult in the room." As you point out I did it without being "combative". I realized at one point that she was going to keep pushing beyond reason on one thing and I promised myself I'd keep calm and not raise my voice or let her get my goat. Even if she shouted at me. Which she did but I did not.

KItkat1415 61F  
20051 posts
9/27/2014 6:28 pm

N ,
I liked this post! Yes, it is hard having discussions with someone
who feels that "compromise" is a dirty word.
Kk

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N_Joimi replies on 9/30/2014 8:26 am:
Thanks. Many people see compromise as capitulation but I think in my mother-in-law's case she was just used to getting her way without regard for the other person's needs or feelings. Because, after all, mom knows best. Once she realized her tricks didn't work on me it became easier to haggle with her.

sweet_VM 65F
81699 posts
9/28/2014 2:41 pm

You did very well my friend standing your grow.. Most would have not have hugssssss V

Good post and interesting read as well..

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N_Joimi replies on 9/30/2014 8:19 am:
It was hard at the time. I didn't really want to get in confrontations with my new mother-in-law. Trying to make a good impression. But she was so often pushy she quickly reached the limits of my patience. She didn't really like that was I able to stand my ground. I don't think she was used to that happening since her three kids always backed down for her. But I did learn a lot from the experience.

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