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Choices...a personal journey
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Choices...a personal journey My cousin is an atheist. He has studied religions a lot and has experienced different religious cultures when he was a soldier and stationed in Europe. He is also very political. More on that in a bit. He is about 4 years older than I am and lives far enough away that we visit only by phone and fb. Apparently, we did meet way back when I was about 16 and he says I was his favorite cousin...and he has a lot of cousins lol I don't remember the visit at all. I remember the first time we really started chatting on the face place...turns out we had mutual friends there and, after like 40 years of no communication, we sat up all night and caught up on each other's lives....it wasn't until the wee hours of the morning that I realized that friends on both our face lists could see our conversation...not that there was anything to be concerned about....but I do remember that mutual friend having a good laugh when I found this out. I was raised a Catholic so I have that in my background. I consider myself to be spiritual and I won't bore you with the details. My cousin uses the face place as his outlet....he sites the Bible, the Koran and other historical writings...to tell anyone who will listen how bad organized religion is...specifically Christianity. He uses history as his lesson book. And he knows it well. Most of my friends know I am a 'agree to disagree' type of person...live and let live. I either iged his rhetoric as it did not apply to me or...more often than not...I voiced my opposition, quietly and politely (most of the time). It became personal when he seemingly blamed me for all the historically bad things done in the name of Christianity from the beginning of time...blamed me along with all people who believe in God. Because I do believe in God, I was lumped in with everyone, from the people of Isis to Bible thumpers...everyone. He knew my view on the Bible and he knew his words were hurtful to me...I think I blogged once about all this lol Eventually, about a year ago, I got to the point where I no longer wanted to log into the face place and see his dozen or so posts about Christianity, religious zealots, etc. I couldn't ask him to censor himself, just because his words hurt me...and he wouldn't have if I'd asked. So I made the decision to 'unfriend' him on the face place. He didn't try to contact me after that. No phone call or text, nothing. He knew what I'd chosen to do and I think he knew there was nothing that could be said. It was a sad thing. Then last week, out of the blue, he sent me a text. After a few exchanges, I asked him why he was contacting me after so long of nothing. He told me he was getting his will in order and getting ready. yeah...my heart stopped He eventually told me his COPD was getting pretty bad. I knew he lived alone, in a tiny town in eastern washington, in a tiny shack with barely liveable conditions...and probably several feet of snow at this time of year. I contacted his sister and she told me he was now on oxygen and was not in very good health at all. She had visited him in October and tried to get him to come live with her but he's a stubborn old man and refused. I did have a good, long phone conversation with him last night...it was good to hear his voice again and he actually sounds the same as always. He says he is checking into an assisted living facility not too far away but said that he got frustrated with not being able to talk to the right person, etc. He says he hopes to have a Copes person come by to clean his place so he can stay put for a little longer. He still cooks for himself but has to drive quite a ways to a laundromat to clean his clothes...he has someone who may sell him a stacking washer/dryer and he already has the hook ups for it...I hope that happens. I told him I'd come take care of him in a hot Texas minute, he just had to say the word....but I don't think he will. He is a proud man. Sad as it is, he has told me he doesn't want anyone around when he dies....which is one reason I have a nagging doubt that much of what he told me he is trying to arrange...is the truth. I hope I'm wrong about that. Knowing he feels that way.....would it be wrong of me to show up at his door? When someone says they want to die alone....do they really mean that? I'm sure some do but....it's hard for me to comprehend that my cousin would not be ok with a loved one being with him at that time...someone who truly cared about him. Anyway, I digress lol Now I regret my decision to 'unfriend' my cousin on the face place. Sure, his posts were very hard to see...but now I wonder if I could have tried harder to just look past them, ignore them, not take them so personally...so that we could have continued the other side of our friendship...I am sure his COPD did not go downhill suddenly and perhaps I could have been there for him as he went down that road. I can't change the past. It is what it is. But I can learn from it...even at almost 62 years old, I am still learning life's lessons lol At least I am there for him now...wherever that may be. Thanks for listening. Take care all and enjoy the day  Read RESPECT WE all NEED to do Better and Re Petition to Stop Transsexuals from Using Female Profiles |
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12/17/2016 5:18 pm |
I take it he knew that what he said hurt you. So why doesn t he feel bad for saying the things he did on fb about how you feel. there is no reason that you have to accept everything someone says. just look past things that go against how you feel.. I don t think you did any thing wrong. Seems like he knew he hurt you so that s why he contacted you. And if you didn t know he was sick , if he wouldn t have contacted you would you feel this way about him? guilt? if he's not religious, seems he knows how to use guilt. just my opinion face piles of trials with smiles.. MOODY BLUES please feel free to visit my blog happy blogging
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For your own peace of mind it might be worth while to go and see him and let him turn down your help in person. I think it's better to know for sure that your help is not wanted then to second guess yourself and worry.
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Part of the problem wit FB is they don't clearly spell out your options on some things. I have friends who get crazy about politics and what I noticed is that I can click on an option tells FB I want to see fewer items like that or even that I no longer want to see posts from XYZ (this is very helpful if someone (like my mother) constantly forwards things from annoying websites. If took a couple of weeks but it cut down quite a bit on the types of posts that annoyed me. I've posted a pic below (I hope it isn't soo large...) It's a tricky question on whether to just show up or not. I might tell someone I was coming whether they wanted to or not. This gives them a chance to clean up or otherwise prepare their house for company, but I wouldn't show up unannounced. [image]
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as long as you are still learning you are still growing as a person, keep it up
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Dying is an intimate thing that often isn't very pretty. I can fully understand wanting to be alone. ... I'm not sure I want anyone around when my time comes. .. But that's not to say that I don't want my affairs to be in order.
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You pose some hard questions, lady. I am certain that I'd have unfriended a cousin for the same reasons you did, but what I did instead is just stop "Following". I don't see her posts but I didn't unfriend her. When we have family business we still communicate. Would I go to help her if she were in need? I reckon I would- she was like a sister to me and we grew up together, much of it in the same house, after her mother died. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Knowing he feels that way.....would it be wrong of me to show up at his door? I think it might be better to talk to him about it some more first. He might change his mind or not but you might get a feel for whether it would be a good idea to just show up. Sometimes people don't like to ask for help and will turn it down when offered but are actually relieved to have someone not take no for an answer. But it's a very trick issue. When someone says they want to die alone....do they really mean that? I'm sure some do but....it's hard for me to comprehend that my cousin would not be ok with a loved one being with him at that time...someone who truly cared about him. I think sometimes people don't want to put people out if you know what I mean. They don't like to ask for anything as I mentioned above. I think I would prefer to die in my sleep in a nice warm comfy bed. It isn't easy for people to give up control and it is more difficult for some of us. Vive La Difference
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I've lived alone most of my life and under these circumstances it would be extremely difficult for me to ask for help and to figure out who I could turn to. If I reached out to someone like he did to you it would be to find out if they were that someone and I would be relieved if they showed up on my doorstep uninvited to check up on me in person. I would be somewhat embarrassed but I could get over it. But that's just me. Please don't let me be misunderstood.
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I can understand his wanting to die alone. . Seeing that he already lives a pretty isolated life, I would guess that he means it. I would just keep in touch and see whether he changes his mind at some point. . He might have to someday.
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Interesting questions. I don't think I have met anyone who truly wanted to be alone when they passed. Having been present at each of my three immediate family member's death, I do know that it was very important for me to be there. After the conversations and disagreements and time that had passed, do you think he really called you just to say he was dying and wanted to be alone? I am more inclined to think he has been by himself a long time, and is too proud or doesn't know how to ask for help. And then he reached out to you.
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 A MOVIE you must see: MR. CHURCH with Eddie Murphy. Based on true story AWESOME!!! MUST SEE.
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