About the common confusion: "Am I submissve" ?
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Posted:Jul 17, 2014 12:30 am
Last Updated:Jul 17, 2014 12:57 am
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Hi to all,
I would like to elaborate on a basic issue in D/s relationship.
We all know that, When the student is ready - The Master will appear.
But, what happens until then? Until the student is ready? How does a woman with submissive thought / curiosity / craving - how does she manage her inner world?
For some submissive women, it begins with being curious, intrigued, even embarrassed by the thought that she like to be Dominated, wondering is she really submissive? And what to do with that inner craving.
It is a common confusion, and I think any sub experience it somehow.
The general outline is:
On one hand - I feel the need to be controlled / controlled, ordered, in sex, or in general, being obedient, being low.
But, On the other hand, where is my self esteem?
Am I realy not-worthy ? ? ?
What about my need to feel cherished and respected and desired?
How come, what turns me on, makes me feel un-easy or threatened, etc.
Am I really a submissive? Am I in the right state of mind? how do I connect with someone in the D/s liflestyle?
Should I leave it? should I pursue it?
How would I react to being humiliated or ordered to obey...etc...etc...
I am strong woman, successful at work, not weak....
so how come I want it, is it me?
That is the general spirit of the confusion.
My view, of course, is only my view, amongst other possible views.
This is very basic issue to be dealt with, in a D/s relationship, since it is setting the basis for it all, i.e. this is the essential basics, upon which, a Dom/sub (or Master/slave) relationship is constructed. Meaning - Addressing this confusion and assuring the sub to feel cherished and respected at any time.
In deep and meaningful D/s relationship, what referred as mental / emotional (not a merely sexy role-play, which is fine too), IT IS essential for the sub to feel cherished and desired, not "demeaned or humiliated"....
The basis of D/s relationship is.....paradoxically !!!......gentleness, compassion, emotional bond, deep sense of cherishing the sub, mutual respect and honor.
Without all of the above, we can't soar to stars....or touch deep into the soul, and we couldn't have the Dom/sub relationship as a journey to self exploration, self transformation.
A journey that lets the sub grow from withing, and able to embrace more of that energy of life itself.
Based on that feeling, that the sub knows she is always cherished! and know her Dom wants her true well-being, the process is peel her off, and make her a better "person/woman". Based on that - she gives her consent to be trained.
In deep and emotional relationship, training means, putting you out of your safety zone. And it is scary.
If the sub beeing lead there, outside of comfort zone, she will feel "humilated'.....or treated low, etc....Because this is not her comfort zone.
Paradoxically ! as sub (that requires another post to elborate on the topic),
she will feel cherished,
and humilated,
at the same time !
even-more, she will feel that - one feeling is feeding the other....
she might find out to be be energized and turned on, by this paradoxical feeling and emotional bond.
Howcome? one may ask, "I want it, and afraid of it , on the same time.....
As Human beings, we are governed by 2 realms. Mind, logic, brain etc. And the Emotional Realm.
We are all here (in this site, and on this planet), to dive deeper into the Emotional ocean. That is what makes us feel alive.
Our mind sees it as paradox (How come he is treating me like slut, and humiliates me, and how come i feel, it is so right....?)
Our heart / inner emotional being, feels it is right.
In the process of submission, the sub is asked to leave her mind/logic out of her considerations-set (it is not easy, she needs to be supported by her Master).
This is all what training is about. Training the sub to let go of her brain and logical judgmentals, and lean on, totally, on her Master.
Any activity, is another particular execution of that principle.
Only when the sub lets go of her mind - only then can she really feel.
THE BASIC ADVISE to sub, is, at any type or level -
take a small (but real!) step outside your comfort zone, with the right safety measures and right partner! No risk, no gain....
Afterwards, take time to contemplate, just feel what comes up inside of you....explore, think. feel....then you can decide if to take it again, or push your limits furthermore.
Of curse, it is perfectly ok, to stay inside the comfort zone, just to have role-play sessions (with all safety measures).
That might be even safer and less risky, since it is more about sexual and erotic energy, and NOT dealing with inner-emotional processes.
If, as sub, you wish to explore that emotional/mental submission - let yourself be lead by your heart, passion, desire and emotions, that come from within. Do Not let your self to be lead by your fears. A good Master will know you deeply, and will know in what pace to guide you.
You will be afraid / embarrassed / humiliated - but -exactly at that point you will feel the bond, protection and guidance of your Master. This sense of connection is like no-other.
After the "rush of energy", it is the time to share, talk, discuss, openly, with your Dom. This openness of looking at all the emotions that surfaced, and being open to feel the Dom's guidance - is what builds this strong intimacy, sense of being cherished, and provide the basis for self transformation.
To me personally, talking things through, together with the sub, constitutes at least 60% of the time spent with her!
The sense of humiliation, or embarrassment is true and strong, since you ARE outside of your comfort zone, and being stripped-off your old set of values and believes, about who you are, and how to protect your "self"...
(I will not address here, cases in which the sub isn't really going outside her comfort zone, consciously or not; that needs another long elaboration  )
What counter-balances that sense of humiliation, is the feeling of being cherished at any point.
PLUS the strong sense of emotional bond with her Master.
Once the sub is there (the Loby to what is referred as sub-space), she will feel depths of emotions and energy revealed and unleashed from within....
And if she will let her self, to be trained and peeled and reconstructed again, with true letting-go - she might feel, even the energy of the universe surrounding us....(maybe CHI, or some dimension of it at least).
A sub should be very careful about whom she chooses to lead her as Master.
Of course, as sex can range from porn to sex, to love-making to Tantra,,,,like so, D/s relationship can be anywhere on this range, from session role-play, to having playmate, to having relationship with zest of submission, etc.
btw, to my experience, mostly strong women can partake in mental D/s relationship.
By strong, i don't mean "bitchy", but with self esteem, intellect, successful, even managing others at work, with vibrant inner energy.
In my opinion, a sub (in mental submission) can not be someone who sees herself as not-worthy, etc.
All my former subs were strong persons, with rich inner world. Their first reaction was: what? me ? sub? to submit?
Are you out of your mind?".
and after awhile it was:
"now i know I was always been a sub/slave, that my soul was craving silently to be owned, controlled, that i yearn to be cherished and serve my Master, and this is the real me...."
(btw, they continued to be even more empowered and strong and successful, in their daily life).
Any thoughts, comments and insights are welcome
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