Joke of the Day 16
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Posted:Nov 4, 2011 9:34 pm
Last Updated:Feb 22, 2013 12:11 pm
3374 Views
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A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.'HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! =====
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Joke of The Day 15
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Posted:Oct 6, 2011 1:17 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:26 pm
3066 Views
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Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.
No further testing is planned.
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Joke of The Day 14
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Posted:Sep 15, 2011 2:16 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:26 pm
3111 Views
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If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
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Joke 13
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Posted:Aug 25, 2011 9:07 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:26 pm
3127 Views
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Joke of the Day 12
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Posted:Jun 15, 2011 1:27 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:26 pm
3138 Views
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The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
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Joke of the Day 11
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Posted:Nov 28, 2010 11:39 am
Last Updated:Feb 22, 2013 12:11 pm
3383 Views
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A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.
At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.
"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account."
"I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"
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Joke of the Day 10
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Posted:Oct 21, 2010 12:37 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:26 pm
3147 Views
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Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
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Joke of the Day 9
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Posted:Sep 28, 2010 12:33 pm
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2010 12:21 pm
3325 Views
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A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished.
The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea!" The woman said, "I just happen to have a bottle with me."
With this she handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back.
The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
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Joke of the Day 8
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Posted:Jul 26, 2010 9:52 am
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2010 12:37 pm
3395 Views
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Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
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Joke of the Day 7
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Posted:Jun 17, 2010 1:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2010 12:35 pm
3257 Views
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There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
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Joke of the Day 6
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Posted:May 19, 2010 8:17 am
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2010 12:37 pm
3393 Views
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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Joke of the Day 5
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Posted:Dec 16, 2009 12:33 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:26 pm
3263 Views
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It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
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Joke Of The Day 4
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Posted:Nov 18, 2009 1:40 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:26 pm
3223 Views
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Woman vs. Man Shopping
“Food Shopping By Women
1. Park the car
2. Get a cart
3. Fill the cart with useful things in a record time.
4. Put the shopping in a rational way (All the fridge
stuff together, groceries in a separate bag, etc)
5. Pay
6. Go back home.
7. Empty the bags, put all groceries in the
appropriate cabinets, refrigerator compartments, etc., and
tidy everything up.
“Food Shopping By Men”
1. Park the car
2. Get into the store.
3. Get out of the store and pick a cart.
4. Get into the store.
5. Stroll through all the corridors of the store.
6. Stop by the magazines and browse the last
“Sport Illustrated”
7. Buy a pair of socks, 2 frozen pizzas, a case of
beer, Sausages, pistachios and a comic.
8. Don’t worry about milk, bread, eggs and other
’superfluous’ items.
9. Put the socks in the bag with the frozen items.
10. Find the slowest line and pay.
11. Go back home.
12. Leave the bags on the table.
13. Put the beers in the fridge.
14. Sit on the couch and read the comic until the
beers are cold.
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