Quick laughs 2
|
Posted:Oct 23, 2013 4:59 am
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2013 7:10 am
6826 Views
|
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
> people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
> following some kind of pattern.
>
> Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
>
> A teddy bear is working on a building site.
> He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been
> stolen.
> The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at
> the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears
> have their pick nicked."
>
> Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
> "I'm sending a voicemail ya bloody idiot!"
>
> Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
> with a tennis ball.
> It was a lovely service.
>
> 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
> Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
>
> An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum
> with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no
> surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Quick laughs
|
Posted:Oct 23, 2013 4:58 am
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2013 7:10 am
7214 Views
|
> The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
> cleaner.
> Talk about Dyson with death.
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
> standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
> hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
> they've lost the plot!!
>
> My asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
> local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one
> cheaper off the web.
>
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
> balance, so I pushed her over.
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACQ van.
> The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought
> to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
> that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
>
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick
> "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
>
> My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
> girlfriend yet.
>
> The wife has been missing a week now.
> Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to
> get all her clothes back.
>
> Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ...
> Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
>
> Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
> stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her
> forehead and realised she was just on standby.
>
> The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cent pieces out on the kitchen table
> when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
> reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
>
> When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't
> feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
> What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the
> bloody thing!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Robot for sale
|
Posted:Oct 22, 2013 4:50 am
Last Updated:Oct 23, 2013 4:55 am
6642 Views
|
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his what he did that afternoon.
The says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the .
The says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the .
says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your ."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Makes you wonder
|
Posted:Oct 19, 2013 6:59 am
Last Updated:Oct 24, 2013 6:57 am
6560 Views
|
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen
On the quality of their fish and asked
How long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were
Sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our ,
And take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends,
Have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.
We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted,
"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
You can buy a second one and a third one
And so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
You can then negotiate directly with the processing plants
And maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City ,
Los Angeles , or even New York City !
From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, "
Answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big,
You can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire,
Live in a tiny village near the coast,
Sleep late, play with your ,
Catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife
And spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
“ That’s what I am doing now” Replied the fisherman.
And the moral of this story is:
Know where you're going in life.... You may already be there!!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
OH Dear, Abbott and Costello in 2013
|
Posted:Oct 11, 2013 8:31 am
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2013 5:00 am
6744 Views
|
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello and you have to be old enough to not REALLY understand computers.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: money.
COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START.'
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Blonde Joke
|
Posted:Oct 10, 2013 8:03 am
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2013 5:01 am
6700 Views
|
A blind bloke on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the bloke next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm blonde and also a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The bloke sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a blonde rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler with blonde hair. We're all blonde. Now think good and hard about whether or not you want to continue with this joke my friend. Do you still wanna tell it?"
The blind bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Paraprosdokians
|
Posted:Oct 10, 2013 7:49 am
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2013 5:02 am
6547 Views
|
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising
or unexpected; frequently humorous (Winston Churchill loved them). Enjoy!
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, Notify, I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy. (ever been to K MART)
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and
harder for me to find one now.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Black and White?
|
Posted:Oct 10, 2013 7:46 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2024 10:30 am
6364 Views
|
(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.
We had 30+ in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!
We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!
Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Dead Duck
|
Posted:Oct 8, 2013 6:57 am
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2013 8:29 am
6550 Views
|
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
IF Only
|
Posted:Oct 6, 2013 6:53 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2024 10:30 am
6050 Views
|
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
COWS
|
Posted:Oct 3, 2013 7:02 am
Last Updated:Oct 10, 2013 7:39 am
6748 Views
|
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
|
|
|
To link to this blog (Magichands4Uall) use [blog Magichands4Uall] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
61
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
