The Knob... for Ladies Only
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Posted:Jul 27, 2013 7:06 am
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2013 7:36 am
1343 Views
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A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called
'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were
wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
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Satan at Church...
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Posted:Jul 27, 2013 5:15 am
Last Updated:Aug 21, 2013 4:58 am
1619 Views
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with
one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years."
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A man and a women....
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Posted:Jul 27, 2013 5:02 am
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2013 5:02 am
860 Views
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There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other, except that, the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"
Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
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Going on vacation...
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Posted:Jul 26, 2013 3:29 am
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2013 1:52 am
1244 Views
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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business
trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife
a quick email, Unable to find the scrap of paper on
which he had written her email address, he did his best
to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose
husband had passed away only the day before. When the
grieving widow checked her email, she took one look
at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to
the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed
into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING
PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."
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This is too...
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Posted:Jul 26, 2013 2:43 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2013 3:07 am
746 Views
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In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.
A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor. They, too, all perished.
Six LA, Hispanic, gang bangers & ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor. They, too, died.
A white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?
The Fire Chief said, "They were at work."
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Take My Ass to Jail...
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Posted:Jul 26, 2013 2:37 am
Last Updated:Jul 28, 2013 2:10 am
777 Views
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A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of the Alabama/Tennessee State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Chattanooga to do a show at the Shrine Circus & he didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling acts and told... the driver if he would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good ol' boy from Alabama got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door & asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
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On the bus an Old Lady...
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Posted:Jul 26, 2013 2:34 am
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2013 5:32 am
648 Views
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An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts…
so the driver happily munches them.
So, Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful of more peanuts..
Driver: Why don’t you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can’t chew. Look, I have no teeth..
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around them!
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The land of Israel...
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Posted:Jul 26, 2013 2:24 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2013 3:13 am
699 Views
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To Whom Does The Land of Israel Belong?
An Israeli Sense of Humor at UN set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'
The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech'.
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Taking on a play date...
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Posted:Jul 25, 2013 6:17 am
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2013 5:01 am
826 Views
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A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite".
"Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"
"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted , the little girl asks," ...why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions , honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend
"Well, "said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license
It is like a report card it has everything on it", later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old you are. You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
"How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And ,"the little girl says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really?"The mother asks ." And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".
Mother fainted.
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Hot Air Balloon...
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Posted:Jul 25, 2013 6:10 am
Last Updated:Jul 31, 2013 4:22 am
712 Views
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
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Driving through Pa.
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Posted:Jul 25, 2013 6:01 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2013 3:14 am
694 Views
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Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Pennsylvania . When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that -of-a-Bitch would've tried that shit with me!"
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One Day at WalMart
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Posted:Jul 25, 2013 5:50 am
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2013 7:12 am
1051 Views
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I'm at Walmart buying a bag of food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Now that you've read this I have to confess, I copied it. Now copy and share. Make someone else laugh LOL!
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Saint Nancy...
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Posted:Jul 5, 2013 12:49 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2013 3:16 am
964 Views
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Saint Nancy
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, ..."No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages.
Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church,
and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.
Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.
I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.
She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.
She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California .
The woman is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Obama and Senators Harry Reid and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."
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