watchtower view
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Posted:Jan 11, 2018 8:51 pm
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
1483 Views
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A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!" The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!" Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger's shift. Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower. His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach. The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like fucking from up here!"
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Holding out
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Posted:Jan 5, 2018 10:26 am
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2018 3:33 pm
1612 Views
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A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting. A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, every sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket. "OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"
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Career Girls
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Posted:Dec 17, 2017 10:14 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
1433 Views
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Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave, the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get it right.'"
Bonus: If you want to drive your wife crazy don’t talk in your sleep, just smile
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killing sex
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Posted:Nov 19, 2017 10:02 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
1334 Views
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Afraid you will die during sex? Your chances of doing that are pretty slim. https://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/what-are-real-chances-suffering-heart-attack-during-sex?akid=16372.2589561.SUUnhO&rd=1&src=newsletter1085408&t=4
“People will ask their doctors if sex increases their risk of sudden death, and we’ve never had the answer,” study lead Sumeet Chugh, who heads up the Cedars-Sinai Heart Institute in Los Angeles, told NBC. “Over the years, we’ve had a fair bit of data on physical activity and how it’s related to sudden cardiac arrest, but no one had looked specifically at sexual activity. The risk is very small.”
Less than one percent, in fact. That’s according to a new study from scientists at Cedars-Sinai Heart Institute, who specifically looked at deaths rates related to doing it. The researchers analyzed data from 2002 to 2015 involving nearly 4,560 cases of sudden cardiac arrest (SCA) in Portland, Oregon patients. Just 34, or .7 percent, of those cases could be connected to sexual activity. Heart issues happened during sex in 18 cases and “within minutes after cessation” of sex in 15 cases. They couldn’t quite nail down the timeline in the remaining case.
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LOVE dress
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Posted:Oct 3, 2017 9:31 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
1395 Views
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A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks.
"Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?"
"I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her is naked. "Now what are you doing?"
"Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?"
Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"
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Mom
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Posted:Oct 3, 2017 9:24 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
1248 Views
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A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes, boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents' bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."
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Soft Drink names
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Posted:Sep 29, 2017 10:51 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
2703 Views
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Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy. One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy." The other two ladies agree. The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives. The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels." The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!" The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
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House Call
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Posted:Sep 29, 2017 10:49 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
2867 Views
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The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man-- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes; yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."
"Yes; yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
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Parental Advice
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Posted:Sep 28, 2017 6:51 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
3002 Views
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A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
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Mailman Day
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Posted:Aug 31, 2017 12:37 pm
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
3333 Views
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Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert." Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar. Joe asks what the dollar is all about. The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'Fuck him, give him a dollar. The lunch was my idea."
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Mind Your Language
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Posted:Aug 31, 2017 10:48 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
1224 Views
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One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats". On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey. Then the door bell rang. The answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
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Changing times
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Posted:Aug 25, 2017 10:58 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
3100 Views
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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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Getting a Trim
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Posted:Aug 25, 2017 10:58 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2024 5:45 pm
1182 Views
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
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