LMAO!!!
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Posted:Jun 10, 2013 8:47 pm
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2013 7:08 pm
7909 Views
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Just sayin'... If the cop wanted me to balance on one foot to test my sobriety, the least the motherfucker could've done was offer to hold my fuckin' beer for me...
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Just the facts!!!!
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Posted:Jun 9, 2013 8:07 pm
Last Updated:Jun 10, 2013 7:25 pm
7909 Views
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my . I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
"Now tell me: what the fuck would you say?"
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This guy just can't win!!!!
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Posted:Jun 9, 2013 7:17 pm
Last Updated:Jun 10, 2013 6:18 pm
7877 Views
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A guy comes into a bar one day and says to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy comes into the bar again and asks for the same drinks. When the bartender asks what the problem was today, the guy says,
"I've just found out my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy comes back into the bar yet again and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says "JESUS! Doesn't anybody in your fuckin family like women?"
"Yeah! Says the guy, "My wife..."
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Instructions ....
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Posted:Jun 2, 2013 9:17 pm
Last Updated:Jun 3, 2013 5:54 pm
8256 Views
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Tips on how to masturbate;
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast. With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
1 I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If you're a guy
1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.
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Today ... not what it should have been ...
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Posted:May 30, 2013 7:52 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2013 11:09 pm
8137 Views
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Today was not a great day at work. Murphy's law has proved it's existence over and over today. I tell you Murphy SHOULD BE SHOT!!! I've been pissed off all day, and it's just not letting off. So please excuse me if I'm not being myself tonight, I think I'll just be lurking ...
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