BIZARRE REAL LIFE ANIMAL LAWS
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Posted:Jun 10, 2011 10:28 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2012 5:45 pm
7937 Views
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In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.
Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.
In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.
In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.
In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.
In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.
In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.
In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.
French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.
Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.
Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.
In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.
It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.
Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.
In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.
In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.
You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a and cause it to panic.
In Wanassa, New Jersey, a is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."
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Posted:May 25, 2011 2:20 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2011 7:38 pm
7328 Views
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"You don't know Jack Schitt..." Now you'll know the rest of the story.
Jack Schitt is the only of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of the "Knee Deep Schitt Inn." Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six .
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shorty after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a , Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt-Happens are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
NOW YOU KNOW JACK SCHITT!
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Life is the shits sometimes.
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Posted:May 25, 2011 2:19 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 11:11 am
6940 Views
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Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
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The condom and the man
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Posted:May 25, 2011 2:18 pm
Last Updated:Jun 10, 2011 10:26 am
6807 Views
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A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
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OMG! Never heard it called this.
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Posted:May 20, 2011 9:41 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2011 10:35 pm
7419 Views
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A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing between a girls legs that has hair on it?"
His dad said, "Well that is called a vagina."
His thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what is that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's vagina?"
"Well they call that a clitoris ," said the father.
"OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth peice of skin that is below a woman's vagina?"
The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well , I don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."
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Murphy's Law
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Posted:May 11, 2011 2:44 pm
Last Updated:May 19, 2011 10:08 pm
7116 Views
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1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
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Dear Doctor
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Posted:May 11, 2011 2:43 pm
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2011 10:21 am
6664 Views
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I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
XXXXXXXXX
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Sexual Addiction
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Posted:May 10, 2011 2:47 pm
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2011 12:46 pm
8461 Views
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I have a friend that is addicted to sex and I believe it will ruin his life if he cannot get it under control. Here is some interesting reading concerning this matter.
The term "sexual addiction" is used to describe the behavior of a person who has an unusually intense sex drive or an obsession with sex. Sex and the thought of sex tend to dominate the sex addict's thinking, making it difficult to work or engage in healthy personal relationships.
Sex addicts engage in distorted thinking, often rationalizing and justifying their behavior and blaming others for problems. They generally deny they have a problem and make excuses for their actions.
Sexual addiction also is associated with risk-taking. A person with a sex addiction engages in various forms of sexual activity, despite the potential for negative and/or dangerous consequences. In addition to damaging the addict's relationships and interfering with his or her work and social life, a sexual addiction also puts the person at risk for emotional and physical injury.
For some people, the sex addiction progresses to involve illegal activities, such asexhibitionism (exposing oneself in public), making obscene phone calls, or molestation. However, it should be noted that sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders.
Generally, a person with a sex addiction gains little satisfaction from the sexual activity and forms no emotional bond with his or her sex partners. In addition, the problem of sex addiction often leads to feelings of guilt and shame. A sex addict also feels a lack of control over the behavior, despite negative consequences (financial, health, social, and emotional).
How is sexual addiction treated?
Most sex addicts live in denial of their addiction, and treating an addiction is dependent on the person accepting and admitting that he or she has a problem. In many cases, it takes a significant event -- such as the loss of a job, the break-up of a marriage, an arrest, or health crisis -- to force the addict to admit to his or her problem.
Treatment of sexual addiction focuses on controlling the addictive behavior and helping the person develop a healthy sexuality. Treatment includes education about healthy sexuality, individual counseling, and marital and/or family therapy. Support groups and 12 step recovery programs for people with sexual addictions (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) also are available. In some cases, medications used to treat obsessive may be used to curb the compulsive nature of the sex addiction. These drugs could include Prozac and Anafranil.
Are you a Sex Addict?
Self Assessment
1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual behavior or romantic fantasies from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
Yes_____ No_____
2. Have your desires driven you to have sex in places or with people you would not normally choose?
Yes_____ No_____
3. Do you need greater variety, increased frequency, or more extreme sexual activities to achieve the same level of excitement or relief?
Yes_____ No_____
4. Does your use of pornography occupy large amounts of time and/or jeopardize your significant relationships or employment?
Yes_____ No_____
5. Do your relationships become distorted with sexual preoccupation? Does each new relationship have the same destructive pattern which prompted you to leave the last one?
Yes_____ No_____
6. Do you frequently want to get away from a partner after having sex? Do you feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?
Yes_____ No_____
7. Have your sexual practices caused you legal problems? Could your sexual practices cause you legal problems?
Yes_____ No_____
8. Does your pursuit of sex or sexual fantasy conflict with your moral standards or interfere with your personal spiritual journey?
Yes_____ No_____
9. Do your sexual activities involve coercion, violence, or the threat of disease?
Yes_____ No_____
10. Has your sexual behavior or pursuit of sexual relationships ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?
Yes_____ No_____
11. Does your preoccupation with sexual fantasies cause problems in any area of your life - even when you do not act out your fantasies?
Yes_____ No_____
12. Do you compulsively avoid sexual activity due to fear of sex or intimacy? Does your sexual avoidance consume you mentally?
Yes_____ No_____
If you answered “Yes”to more than one of these questions, I encourage you to seek help.
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"Pretzel Hold".
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Posted:May 9, 2011 9:55 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2011 11:08 pm
6152 Views
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This Famous German wrestling champion perfected what he called the "Pretzel Hold". This hold was famous for incapacitating anyone he would apply the hold to. A huge match against the American Wrestling Champion was scheduled to begin shortly, and as the American and his coach were preparing, the American's coach set him down to talk.
"Bill," he said, "whatever you do, don't let the German throw that awful pretzel hold on you, you might not survive it."
"Sure thing, Coach" the American replied.
The match began and as soon as the bell sounded, the German ran accross the ring and immediatly threw the American into the dreaded pretzel hold! The American Coach was frantic! He ran around the ring and finnaly found a towel to throw in to stop the match, when to his amazement, the American was up and wrestling again! The match went on and the American was victorious.
Afterwards, the coach had to ask "Bill, how in the hell did you get out of that pretzel hold, nobody has ever gotten out of that hold!"
Bill replies "Well coach, when I was all tangled up with that German, I saw this pair of balls hanging in front of my face, so I just bit down on them with all my might and you know, It's amazing how fast you can move when you bite your own balls!"
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Joke of the Day
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Posted:May 9, 2011 9:52 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2011 9:22 am
5914 Views
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A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend fishing with the boys & spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade of yelling about his actions...
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by & he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday & Wednesday came & went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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THREE ITALIAN NUNS
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Posted:May 6, 2011 1:11 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2011 9:45 am
5759 Views
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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren!" POOF!! She is gone.
The second nun says, "I want-a to be Madonna!" POOF!! She is gone.
The third nun says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipilini."
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name is unfamiliar to me."
The nun takes a newspaper out and hands it to him.
He reads the paper and starts laughing, then hands it back to her and says, "No, sister. This paper says, 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days."
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BREAST "EMOTICONS"
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Posted:May 6, 2011 1:03 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 11:11 am
5558 Views
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(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) High nipple breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^)( ^) Cold breasts
(o)( Lopsided breasts
(Q)(Q) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Breasts w/hanging tassels
( )(o) Bitten by a vampire breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) Flat against the shower door breasts
|o||o| Android breasts
(/)(o) Scratched breasts (ouch)
( (o) Extra nipple breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
(^o)(o) Zit on your breast
( o Y o ) Poses for Playboy magazine breasts
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REASONS WHY MASTERBATION IS BETTER THAN REAL SEX
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Posted:May 5, 2011 2:35 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2011 10:30 pm
5845 Views
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* You don't have to look your best.
* You never have to say "I love you", promise to mow the lawn, buy flowers/dinner, lie about the size of your hand's, etc.
* If you use your other hand it feels like someone else.
* You can use both hands and have and orgy.
* You don't have to promise to call in the morning.
* As long as you're careful you'll never end up with the wet spot.
* You can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way.
* You can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical.
* You don't need to make an appointment in advance.
* It doesn't really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.
* It's cheaper...you don't have to use those pesky condoms.
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To link to this blog (ineedyounow55) use [blog ineedyounow55] in your messages.
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