Going to the Doctor
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Posted:Mar 4, 2009 8:43 am
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2009 6:00 pm
12587 Views
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| A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count." The guy said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!" |
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I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
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Posted:Feb 26, 2009 7:42 pm
Last Updated:Mar 12, 2009 11:04 pm
12841 Views
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FOR ALL YOU MEN!!
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! |
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I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
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Posted:Feb 26, 2009 7:29 pm
Last Updated:Mar 12, 2009 11:02 pm
12013 Views
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I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! |
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Quote
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Posted:Feb 26, 2009 6:40 pm
Last Updated:Mar 4, 2009 7:42 am
11141 Views
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| A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain? |
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Kahlil Gibran
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MAN OF YOUR DREAMS
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 10:52 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2012 6:10 pm
11325 Views
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RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" |
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Flag Pole
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Posted:Feb 22, 2009 11:44 pm
Last Updated:Mar 12, 2009 11:00 pm
11520 Views
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
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Kiss The Earth
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Posted:Feb 22, 2009 10:51 pm
Last Updated:Feb 26, 2009 7:57 pm
10767 Views
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Walk and touch peace every moment.
Walk and touch happiness every moment.
Each step brings a fresh breeze.
Each step makes a flower bloom.
Kiss the Earth with your feet.
Bring the Earth your love and happiness.
The Earth will be safe
when we feel safe in ourselves.
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- Thich Nhat Hanh
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A NAUGHTY POEM
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Posted:Feb 19, 2009 7:58 pm
Last Updated:Feb 22, 2009 10:23 pm
12015 Views
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She whispered 'will it hurt me?'
'Of course not' answered he
'It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me.'
She said 'I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore.'
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
'Calm yourself' he whispered
'His face filled with a grin
'Try and open wider
So I can get it in.'
'It's coming now' he whispered
'I know' she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said 'I am glad I'm having this.'
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said 'I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while.'
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind! !
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mandy faye
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Hot Air Balloon
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Posted:Feb 13, 2009 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2009 4:45 pm
10891 Views
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A blonde, two brunettes, and a redhead had been best friends for their entire life, and had planned on going on a trip across the country in a hot-air balloon when they graduated. The summer after graduation, they rent a hot-air-balloon and take off from Florida. Unfortunately, they hadn't been watching the weather, and left in the middle of hurricane season. They got caught up in a storm and beaten back and forth. When the wind finally let off, the basket of the balloon was demolished, there were a few rips in the balloon itself, and the friends were left just barely holding on by the support ropes while the hot-air balloon was steadily sinking into the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Doing some quick calculations, they found that one of them would have to let go to even out the weight to save the rest of the girls. After a long moment of silence, the blonde speaks up.
"I'll let go," she said. "All of my life I have been tormented because of my hair, being called stupid and ditsy. I can't put up with the torture anymore. I might as well let go; then people would think of me as a hero."
Her friends, all touched by her moving speech, looked at each other and started clapping.
Whoops! |
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Blonde Joke
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Posted:Feb 10, 2009 6:06 pm
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2009 4:44 pm
10991 Views
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Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloooo? It's been a year! (I told him)
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....
He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.  
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4
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Nuclear Power
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Posted:Feb 9, 2009 10:05 pm
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2009 4:32 pm
10927 Views
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Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,
"What would you like to discuss?" I don't know," says the guy, smiling, "how about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A , a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
“So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?".
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To link to this blog (jeffandBonna) use [blog jeffandBonna] in your messages.
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