Mr Two
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Posted:Jun 30, 2012 6:02 am
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2012 9:48 pm
3638 Views
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Handsome, gentle, impatient and understanding he is the man who will not let me hide from pain and will push me forward when I allow fear to paralyze me. I will hate him. I will love him. He will change my life.
He will stay with me as long as i need him. He's made this promise to me. He knows that he's not the right man for me, even when I refuse to listen. I will hold onto him until I'm no longer afraid.
There will be one Mr Two.
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Long Distance Love
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Posted:Jun 29, 2012 8:31 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2012 8:50 pm
3082 Views
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At first I thought the car parked on my street with the Pennsylvania license plate was someone who just hadn't changed it yet. Then I started looking and realized the car was never there during the week. It's there when I get home from work on Fridays and gone when I leave for work on Monday.
I'm wondering who it is. It's a massive drive on any given day, but to do it twice in one weekend? That can only be the sign of someone who truly loves and misses their sweetheart.
The romance of it makes me sigh.
Sigh.
Sadly, I've never loved anyone enough to do that over and over and over. And no one has loved me this much either.
I'm not sure which would be harder; missing each other all week or having to say goodbye every Sunday night/Monday morning?
I wish there was something I could do for them. If it were possible I'd give the driver five days of my vacation time. I'd say "Please spend a week together, so you can spend days and days together without worrying about running out of time."
Seeing the car there all week would be one of my happiest vacation memories.
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Doc Martens
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Posted:Jun 28, 2012 6:10 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2012 5:15 am
3306 Views
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For the first time in ten years I have another pair of Doc Martens. Not a casual sandal, but something that can be worn to work and look professional. I forgot how expensive Docs could be. Ten years of inflation hasn't helped. But when I looked closely, I saw that they had my name on them. Literally *MY* name.* There was no thinking about it. I bought them.
Doc Martens, even when a heeled sandal, make me feel strong and invincible...even when I was 15 years-old and had to save money, to add to what my mother thought was a "good priced shoe for school".
There was a period where I couldn't imagine not owning Doc Martens. At least one pair. Two would be better.
Important Life Events Wearing Doc Martens:
1. My first toe curling, oh my god this is why people have sex, kiss
2. My first tattoo...already posted.
3. Standing on the sand looking at the Atlantic Ocean for the first time. And then th Pacific Ocean.
4. Opening the depressingly thin envelope from my graduate program, and then realizing it only takes one page to say "Congratulations you've been accepted", "Your first semester is made up of require courses; we've registered you", "Bring $...with you." "PS, If you need graduate housing please call..."
5. Moving four times, including both coasts, and realizing I can feel afraid and brave at the same time.
These new shoes are building more memories. For that alone, I'm glad I spent the money even though I had hesitated.
*My name is not Joanna.
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Car Insurance is an Angry Lover
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Posted:Jun 26, 2012 8:04 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2012 12:22 pm
3097 Views
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Last year I had a small "accident". I wasn't going to say anything. I begged the other man to not say anything, that I would take care of it. He confessed. Easy for him to do, he had nothing to feel guilty about!
It was a year ago, and I still haven't been forgiven.
I have been so very careful.
Or maybe I just haven't gotten caught? The crack in the windshield is my secret.
Yes, I've had more than one indiscretion. I would have lied, but Progressive was more than happy to share my sins. It was a relationship that ended badly; I fled the country but my past followed me.
I swear that last year was the last time. It'll never happen again. I promise. I know I've said it before, but this time I mean it.
How long will I have to pay? It's love and hate at its worst.
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The Return of Mostly Modest Mondays (MMM)
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Posted:Jun 25, 2012 10:48 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2012 7:39 pm
3043 Views
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MMM is based on the idea "less is more."
This is contrary to most of this website which is based on the idea "there is no such thing as too much."
For *me* seeing "everything" all at once feels over-exposed and leaves nothing for a surprise. Anticipation and curiosity about what might comes next is what keeps life interesting.
At my work we wear "business casual", which for me, includes black "trousers" from the Gap. Functional and appropriate but rarely enticing. Ah, but what about the clothes you *can't* see?
Note: I need a better picture...sadly, where I work has limited opportunities for pulling pants down and taking pictures.
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My Bed
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Posted:Jun 24, 2012 12:33 pm
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2012 1:21 pm
3048 Views
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My bed is a virgin. No man has slept in it, and I'd like to keep it that way. Just me and the cat.
Currently my nights away from home are at his place; in his bed. He has given me the place I *need* close to the window, facing the window in the moonlight. Somethings can't easily be explained.
Memories are constant; somethings are easily forgotten and others linger. Memories that linger are ghosts that sleep in bed with me. Not real, and yet difficult to ignore. When someone has slept in my bed, his presence stays with the bed.
I have a side of the bed. The cat has a side of the bed. When there is another person in the bed with us, I've slept in the middle and the cat moves to my side.
After he is gone; my cat and I will both have our sides of the bed, but his ghost remains. On his back. A teeth grinder. Night owl. No two men are the same.
Memories can build up and I'm afraid of being squeezed out of my own bed. I can't let that happen.
Overnight guests will use the lovely air mattress? That makes perfect sense! Go ahead and check your texts and voicemail. I'll let you know when your bed is ready.
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Mr One
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Posted:Jun 23, 2012 8:46 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2012 9:06 pm
2986 Views
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Charming, intelligent, funny and sweet he is the man who will remind me why I *don't* want to be alone. He is he man I will want to hear from and who will want to hear from me. His emails will always be read and answered first. He will be a better friend than I had hoped for.
I was wrong about what I wanted. I was wrong about who I wanted. I was wrong to think that I could change who I was. He found me. He saw my value before I did. He was happy when I finally saw what he did.
He is not available and I am not ready. He is who I needed first. A rare gem in a sea of asshats. Without him, nothing that comes next would be possible.
Our time was limited, but everything that I needed to happen did.
They will never meet, but this is the man that Mr Five needs to thank.
There will be one Mr. One.
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Mr One, Two, Three, Four, Five
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Posted:Jun 23, 2012 8:25 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2012 6:18 am
3208 Views
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If the right man for me had shown up two years ago I wouldn't have recognized him. If the right man for me had shown up one year ago, I wouldn't be the right woman for him. If the right man had shown up six months ago, I would have been so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I wouldn't be able to do anything.
Local Sexy Swingers is helping me change that; not exactly what I had initially planned on when I signed up. This is better.
Next year, when he shows up when I least expect him, I will be the right person for him and he will be the right person for me. There will only be one way to describe it: kismet.
Thirty-seven feels painfully old to be the right person for the right man. I'm learning that time has very little meaning. If a one hour staff meeting lasts one year and one year of watching my nieces grow up feels like one hour, it doesn't really matter how much time we have.
Between now and next year there are several Misters along the way that I will need to meet.
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Learning New Things - Part II
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Posted:Jun 23, 2012 4:13 am
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2012 4:26 pm
3134 Views
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Zack is so beautiful that god should have made two: one for girls and one for boys, but no one said life was fair.
Sam is great! Her very realistic vagina model is slightly creepy, but necessary. There is a lot of discussion about using your hands (maybe too much?) and then Sam gets to the oral part. One of the two men has a question. A woman in front of me asks a question. I ask a question; Sam is already looking at me, but now so is everyone else. My chair is too small to hide under. Even Zack listens carefully to the answer.
After 90 minutes Zack starts. His demonstration model is....impressive.
Why am I the only one taking notes?
Zack's attempt at the Italian method is better than mine, but I'm reassured that he struggles as well.
A lot of detail about using your hands - we are running out of time!
The other man says nothing...I have no idea which (or both?) section of the workshop he was most interested in.
Result: Interesting, but not very educational.
I'm going to convince Steph to sign up for next month's class. I think it might be interesting *and* provide more concrete suggestions/help.
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The Support Group - Learning New Things
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Posted:Jun 22, 2012 4:12 am
Last Updated:Jun 22, 2012 10:48 am
3277 Views
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Steph tells me about it, and that I should sign up too. I think about it. Think about it. A little more thinking. By the time I sign up, it's too late to get a refund. I can afford to lose the $20, but it's the principle.
Mouthing Off: Sensational Oral Sex, offered by the sex shop Venus Envy, in their series of "Sex Ed" workshop, covers what they missed in sex ed that I had in school.
There is seating for 12, but only 8. Steph, 2 friends of hers, and I make up half the class. There are two other women and two men. We plan on sitting in the back, but a man steals a chair from one of Steph's friends.
While we wait for it to begin, I go through the handouts tjat had been on my chair; so I'm ready when we start.
The instructors Zack and Sam (woman) are in their mid-20s, and appear relaxed and confident. They have a flip-chart and markers in several colors. I feel like I'm in an "Excellent Customer Service" workshop. I try not to laugh. I do a good job of it. Zack tells us he's been called a "slutty homosexual"; we figure out on our own why Sam is there.
Part II - the class.
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The Support Group - For Those Who Are Finally Having Great Sex
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Posted:Jun 21, 2012 11:19 am
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2012 11:20 am
3050 Views
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Steph and I are a "support group" of two. The person who links us is my married and pregnant sister. Everyone we know individually falls under: married, has a partner, I-cannot-ask, or is taking a break from dating.
When Steph and I added together the years since either of us have had great sex it works out to the 1990s. Aka more than 12 YEARS AGO. It is pitiful. Fantastic? I don't want to think about the group answer.
Oh? Yeah.
Things change in the blink of an eye.
Steph-"I thought it was an urban myth"; Me-I'm frightening my co-workers with my smiles and early morning happiness.
The downside is that we are a pair of women in our 30s more anxious, insecure and paranoid than a clique of 13 year-old girls.
There have been emergency group meetings, phone calls (including whispering while hiding in the bathroom), conversations repeated and analyzed, and an exchange of phones to examine time lapses between messages, length, content, etc.
We both need to turn down (maybe off?) the panic dial. Steph knows why. I know why. Trust is hard. Confidence is even harder.
The group isn't ready for its ending party, but the 911 whispering has gone down.
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Are You Ok?
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Posted:Jun 20, 2012 8:22 am
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2012 11:34 am
3063 Views
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It's a question that gets asked when you cough when eating, get caught day dreaming, aren't acting like "yourself" or cry while reading your favorite book.
I wish Mondays, starting next week, could be NOT OK DAY.
This would be a day free of "Fine", "Good" or "I'm having a great day!"*
Things we would here on NOT OK DAY:
· My back hurts
· I hate my dead end job
· My car is falling apart and I can't afford a new one
· Please shut the fuck up! You only *think* you know how bad things are
· Etc, etc, etc
I understand how polite conversation works, but it would be nice to say "I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a crazy cat lady" and have someone reply "My parents think my brother is perfect and I hate the way it makes me feel."
A moment of shared fears/worries/disappointments/heartbreaks would help us connect to each other. It would remind us that we're each carrying our own burdens and pains.
*Unless you really are having a great day. Good on you!
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Where Am I?
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Posted:Jun 19, 2012 6:24 am
Last Updated:May 30, 2024 1:10 pm
2943 Views
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In the tiny gap between asleep and awake I sometimes forget where I am.
* I'm facing the wall that separates my room from my sister's
* I'm in California freezing because the air conditioner bas two settings: off and north pole
* The cat that jumped on my bed is my mother's dog
* I don't want to go to school today
* I'm in Florida in my comfy new bed. The first piece of "grown-up" furniture that I've ever bought on my own
* WHO ARE YOU?
When I realize where I am, I pause to think of where I've been and where I might be going next. I don't know which is exciting and scary.
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