a message from above
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Posted:Jul 29, 2009 7:39 am
Last Updated:Jul 31, 2009 7:42 am
2720 Views
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When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being.When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity.
From one bone, I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone, I shaped you.... I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile.You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body.
You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side. You are My perfect angel.....You are My beautiful little girl.You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence and My eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes......don't change them. Your nose is so perfect in form. Your hands are so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep.
I've held your heart close to mine.Of all that lives and breathes, you are most like Me. Adam walked with Me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could not see Me or touch Me. He could only feel Me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with Me, I fashioned in you: My holiness, My strength, My purity, My love, My protection and support. You are special because you are an extension of Me.
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sensitive gender
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Posted:Jul 28, 2009 11:00 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2009 7:15 am
2665 Views
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don't think this is right --- but in fairness to the
more sensitive gender...
Sensitive
This is not for sensitive male readers...
1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband
rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him
again.
2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A.
When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck & the noose.
3. Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're
practicing to be men.
4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there & waits for the
world to revolve around him. OR. Three - one to screw
in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A.
Trustworthy.
6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed
gasping for breath & calling your name? A. You didn't
hold the pillow down long enough.
7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize
one egg? A. Because not one will stop and ask
directions.
8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their
males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it
starts
9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the
toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end
they need to wipe.
10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A
man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
11. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her
money, furs and diamonds.
12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your
e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction
manuals"
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dress code
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Posted:Jul 26, 2009 12:04 pm
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2009 7:16 am
2814 Views
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SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' ( WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
And, Most importantly
At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts
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big people words
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Posted:Jul 25, 2009 10:23 am
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2009 12:36 pm
2753 Views
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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.....
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to us 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
Winnie the SHIT
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camping
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Posted:Jul 25, 2009 10:18 am
Last Updated:Jul 26, 2009 9:37 am
2682 Views
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Phil was attending his 4x4 truck club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4x4 friends Phil left to go back home to his wife.
When Phil's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but phil, sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, Dutch oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Phil?”
"I didn't have to" was Phil's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I pulled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
"So here I am!"
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PSYCHOPATH TEST
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Posted:Jul 23, 2009 7:17 am
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2009 10:17 am
2727 Views
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PSYCHOPATH TEST
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a t rick question. It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did
not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her
dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never
asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she
killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the
test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the
question
correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list!
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atm machines
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Posted:Jul 22, 2009 8:57 am
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2009 10:17 am
2670 Views
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*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE :
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE :
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off and run over curb.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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used cars
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Posted:Jul 21, 2009 12:29 pm
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2009 8:56 am
2635 Views
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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
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marry ol Boudreaux
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Posted:Jul 20, 2009 6:38 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 2:40 am
2661 Views
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Now Boudreaux, he fall in love wit Marie and he ax her to marry him.
Marie was very naive and uninformed about da birds and da bees.
Boudreaux was a poor fisherman and could not afford to take much time off for a honeymoon.
So, dat night dat dey were married, dey retired to his little shack on da Bayou Teche.
When Boudreaux was undressing, Marie said, Oh Boudreaux! What dat is?"
Boudreaux, being very quick thinking and sensitive to Marie's naive young ways said, "Marie, my love, I am da only man in da world wit one of dees." And, den, he proceeded to show her what it was for; and Marie was very content.
Da next morning Boudreaux went off to fish as usual.
When he returned home dat evening, Marie was on da front porch, obviously upset 'bout something. "Boudreaux, you tole me dat you were da only man in da world wit one of doze. I seen our friend Thibodeaux changing his clothes behind da fish shed, and he had one too..."
Thinking fast, Boudreaux said, "Oh, Marie, darling. Thibodeaux is my very best friend. I had two of dem things, so I gave him one. He is da only other man in da world wit one of doze."
Marie accepted his answer and they did their thing again dat night. Boudreaux went off to fish again da next morning, and when he returned home, Marie was very upset, and stamping her foot on da porch..
"Marie, what da matter now?"
"Boudreaux, you gave Thibodeaux da best one!!"
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marry ol Boudreaux
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Posted:Jul 20, 2009 6:37 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 2:40 am
2591 Views
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Now Boudreaux, he fall in love wit Marie and he ax her to marry him.
Marie was very naive and uninformed about da birds and da bees.
Boudreaux was a poor fisherman and could not afford to take much time off for a honeymoon.
So, dat night dat dey were married, dey retired to his little shack on da Bayou Teche.
When Boudreaux was undressing, Marie said, Oh Boudreaux! What dat is?"
Boudreaux, being very quick thinking and sensitive to Marie's naive young ways said, "Marie, my love, I am da only man in da world wit one of dees." And, den, he proceeded to show her what it was for; and Marie was very content.
Da next morning Boudreaux went off to fish as usual.
When he returned home dat evening, Marie was on da front porch, obviously upset 'bout something. "Boudreaux, you tole me dat you were da only man in da world wit one of doze. I seen our friend Thibodeaux changing his clothes behind da fish shed, and he had one too..."
Thinking fast, Boudreaux said, "Oh, Marie, darling. Thibodeaux is my very best friend. I had two of dem things, so I gave him one. He is da only other man in da world wit one of doze."
Marie accepted his answer and they did their thing again dat night. Boudreaux went off to fish again da next morning, and when he returned home, Marie was very upset, and stamping her foot on da porch..
"Marie, what da matter now?"
"Boudreaux, you gave Thibodeaux da best one!!"
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prostate check up
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Posted:Jul 10, 2009 5:41 am
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2009 6:37 am
1816 Views
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The prostate check up
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist
as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very
pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check
your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.
The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on
your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath
and say, 99.
Again, the guy says, '99.
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis. Now take a deep breath and say, 99
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three .
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ALWAYS get a second opinion
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Posted:Jul 6, 2009 7:33 am
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2009 8:26 am
1837 Views
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Always, ALWAYS get a second opinion
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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To link to this blog (rm_daytimmer4u) use [blog rm_daytimmer4u] in your messages.
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