powerful Priest
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Posted:Nov 11, 2012 2:02 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 8:52 am
4116 Views
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A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, , and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
 David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Amen
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years and years
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Posted:Nov 11, 2012 1:11 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 8:52 am
3982 Views
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I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
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flu shot
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Posted:Nov 11, 2012 12:47 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 8:52 am
3822 Views
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FLU SEASON -
To avoid it...
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...
I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
REMEMBER:
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'
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Thoughts for Today
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Posted:Nov 2, 2012 1:21 pm
Last Updated:Nov 8, 2012 4:20 pm
3755 Views
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Thoughts for Today
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected
is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
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care for a spoon
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Posted:Oct 31, 2012 12:48 pm
Last Updated:Nov 2, 2012 3:53 pm
3667 Views
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A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
'After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
'It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
'If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, my wife dropped her spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
'That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
'By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
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tech support
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Posted:Oct 30, 2012 5:18 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 8:52 am
3514 Views
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why does she not listen?
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twin dolphins
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Posted:Oct 26, 2012 4:35 pm
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2012 12:42 pm
3657 Views
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I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital, London.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you need to go on vacation....
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sex at 79
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Posted:Oct 26, 2012 4:32 pm
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2012 12:43 pm
3676 Views
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SEX AT 79~
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s on the same side of the street.
I don’t have to cross the road!!!
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med school exam
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Posted:Oct 14, 2012 12:42 pm
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2012 12:42 pm
3686 Views
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When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors... The rest ended up in Congress
===============================================================================
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed
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1
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where has time taken us?
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Posted:Oct 14, 2012 12:38 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 8:52 am
3478 Views
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makes us wonder how it will be 50 years from now..........Just How Old is Grandma? Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: ' television ' penicillin ' polio shots ' frozen foods ' Xerox ' contact lenses ' Frisbees and ' the pill There were no: ' credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens
Man had not yet invented: ' pantyhose ' air conditioners ' dishwashers ' clothes dryers ' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir." And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: ' "grass" was mowed, ' "coke" was a cold drink, ' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' "chip" meant a piece of wood, ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and. ' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. How old do you think I am? I bet you have this old lady in mind. You are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. Are you ready?????
This woman would be only 59 years old, Born in 1952.
GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
PASS THIS ON TO THE OLD ONES.
THE YOUNG ONES MAY NOT BELIEVE IT.
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interesting
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Posted:Oct 10, 2012 2:20 pm
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2012 4:52 pm
3470 Views
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it just seems that everything has gone to piss
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I think i might have heard that before... just cant remember when
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Posted:Oct 9, 2012 2:51 pm
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2012 1:49 pm
3725 Views
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As
You Slide Down the Banister of Life,
Remember....
1.Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have
written
An
impressive new book. It's called
.........
'Ministers
Do More Than Lay People'
2.
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat,
drink
And
be Mary.
3.
The difference between the Pope
and
Your
boss: the Pope only expects you
To
kiss his ring
4.
My mind works like lightning: One
brilliant
Flash
and it is gone.
5.
The only time the world beats a path
to
Your
door is if you're in the
bathroom.
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older and wiser
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Posted:Oct 7, 2012 9:44 am
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2012 3:04 pm
3385 Views
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Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause .
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!!!
20. Funny, I don't remember being ... absent-minded.
Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 people.
Oh, send it to a bunch of your friends, if you can remember who they are.
Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory
back.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
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