text for seniors
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Posted:Dec 21, 2010 2:05 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:21 am
3813 Views
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Someone you know may be using these in messages to you, keep this list handy to assure understanding
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
ROFL. CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing. And Can't Get Up
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
LOL: Living On Lipitor
OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WTF: What's Today's Fish?
WTF: Wet The Furniture
IMHMO: In My HMO.
RULKM: Are You Leaving Money?
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
GTG: Gotta Groan
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
FWB: Friend With Betablockers
FYI: For Your Indigestion.
JK: Just Kvetching
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age (my favorite)
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
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First Christmas Story This Season
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Posted:Dec 7, 2010 4:02 pm
Last Updated:Dec 8, 2010 5:20 am
4016 Views
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First Christmas Story This Season
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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why is such a big word
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Posted:Nov 10, 2010 9:34 am
Last Updated:Nov 2, 2012 1:12 pm
4211 Views
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1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right .
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
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lets ride the bus
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Posted:Nov 9, 2010 6:59 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:21 am
3649 Views
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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
Driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
Behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
Second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
To unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
Behind her picked her up easily by the waist
And placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the
Would-be Samaritan and yelled:
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
But after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'
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WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES
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Posted:Nov 8, 2010 5:44 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:21 am
3638 Views
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WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES
COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your
wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have
contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair
for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How
often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very
hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice
every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust!!'
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Subject: Class Assignment......
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Posted:Jun 18, 2010 8:25 am
Last Updated:Nov 2, 2012 1:13 pm
4145 Views
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To: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day, the came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Charlie was left.
"Skip, do you have a story to share?"
Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sally. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bailout over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Sally when she's been drinking."
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car for grades
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Posted:Jun 18, 2010 8:24 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:21 am
3574 Views
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, ', you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?
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to be six again
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Posted:Jun 18, 2010 8:20 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:21 am
3595 Views
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
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southern census
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Posted:Jun 9, 2010 8:56 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:21 am
3561 Views
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2010 CENSUS for the SOUTH
Last name: ____________ ____First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-JackWhat does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other_______ _________ ___Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sureShoe Size: ____ Left ____ RightOccupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) PreacherSpouse's Name:_______ _________ _________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______ _________ ______
3rd Spouse's Name:_______ _________ ______
Lover's Name:_______ _________ _________ __Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_)
(_)
(_) PetNumber of living in household: _____
Number of living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______Mother's Name: ____________ _________ __(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: ____________ _________ __ (If not sure, leave blank)
Ed ucation: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shedModel and year of your pickup: 196_Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazine s you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and ShotgunNumber of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not ApplicableColor of eyes:
Left______ Right_____Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) ClairolColor of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) None(_)Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a- holler
(_) What's a road?
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who is that woman?
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Posted:Jun 9, 2010 8:52 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:21 am
3603 Views
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Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, So they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'
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where have you been?
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Posted:Jun 9, 2010 8:51 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:21 am
3556 Views
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A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."
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The Pope and Nancy Pelosi
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Posted:May 20, 2010 4:55 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 1:21 am
3045 Views
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The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one
little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your
followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of
this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your
hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded the bitch
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Sister Catherine is cross
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Posted:May 7, 2010 8:47 am
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2010 5:17 am
3262 Views
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Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the windshield! "
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