fry the eggs correctly
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Posted:Sep 29, 2009 5:19 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:31 am
2987 Views
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
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cant we just lend a hand?
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Posted:Sep 29, 2009 5:16 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2009 1:23 pm
3178 Views
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mouse looked through the crack in the wallto see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered.
He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard,
the mouse proclaimed this warning :
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched,
raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse,
I can tell this is a grave concern to you,
but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him,
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said,
"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,
but there is nothing I can do about it
but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said,
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you,
but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house,
head down and dejected,
to face the farmer's mousetrap
. . . Alone. . .
That very night
a sound was heard throughout the house
-- the sound Of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.
In the darkness, she did no see it.
It was a venomous snake
whose tail was caught in the trap.
The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
When she returned home she still had a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever
with fresh chicken soup.
So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient:
But his wife's sickness continued.
Friends and neighbors
came to sit with her
around the clock.
To feed them,
the farmer butchered the pig.
But, alas,
the farmer's wife did not get well...
She died.
So many people came for her funeral
that the farmer had the cow slaughtered
to provide enough meat for all of them
for the funeral luncheon.
And the mouse looked upon it all
from his crack in the wall
with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear
someone is facing a problem
and you think it doesn't concern you,
remember ---
When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life.
We must keep an eye out for one another
and make an extra effort
to encourage one another.
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from the good book
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Posted:Sep 28, 2009 8:39 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:31 am
2971 Views
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LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My
Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful
little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he,
with just two worms.'
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her , 'We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One blurted out,
'Aces!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHER D
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about
the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the
were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,
Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all
I need to know."
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does
she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes,
sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning,
too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in
the daytime.'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food
was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started
eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I
don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother
insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's
at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she
knows how to cook!
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riding horses
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Posted:Sep 25, 2009 7:25 am
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2009 8:31 am
3527 Views
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.
'I merely sat behind him on the , put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'
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what would you do
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Posted:Sep 21, 2009 11:08 am
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2009 5:23 am
3099 Views
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You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1 An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2 An old friend who once saved your life..
3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because
he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old
friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and
wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER....
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery
because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect
partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few
beers.
I just love happy endings!
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economic stimulus payment
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Posted:Sep 15, 2009 11:50 am
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2009 11:08 am
3065 Views
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Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus
Payment.
This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go
to China or Sri Lanka
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China. .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed that you met at a yard sale
and drink beer all day.
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words of beer
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Posted:Sep 8, 2009 11:02 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:31 am
2962 Views
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So I was watching a old re-run of "Cheers" last night and Cliff Claven, you know the crazy mailman guy who lives with his mother, was talking to Norm telling him one of his stories and it makes perfect sense to me so I did my best to remember what he said so I can help pass on the wisdom of Mr. Claven......
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for... the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
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to the beat of the music
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Posted:Sep 4, 2009 8:34 am
Last Updated:Sep 9, 2009 7:17 am
2979 Views
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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
I realized I was listening to my Ipod......
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my poor duck
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Posted:Sep 3, 2009 5:15 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:31 am
2995 Views
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary >> surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his >> Stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
>>
>> After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and >> said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
>>
>> The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?
>> "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
>> "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you >> haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma >> or something."
>>
>> The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the >> room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador >> Retriever..
>>
>> As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog >> stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and >> sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with >> sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the on the head and took >> it out of the room.
>>
>> A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat >> jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to >> foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly >> and strolled out of the room.
>>
>> The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but >> as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
>>
>> The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few >> keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, >> still
>> in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just >> to tell me my duck is dead!"
>>
>> The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my >> word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and >> the Cat Scan,
>> it's now $150.
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people like you and me
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Posted:Sep 2, 2009 9:00 am
Last Updated:Sep 11, 2009 7:43 am
3309 Views
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1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be
just
like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't
like
you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
7. You are special and unique.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes
from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take
another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about
the rude remarks.
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what is Hell?
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Posted:Sep 1, 2009 9:11 am
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2009 10:34 am
3075 Views
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HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over..
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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and marraige
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Posted:Aug 31, 2009 9:22 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:31 am
2975 Views
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on Marriage....
This is hilarious.....
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by )
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
--Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same .
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more .
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On that first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you )
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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black robbers
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Posted:Aug 30, 2009 7:56 am
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2009 9:22 am
2883 Views
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BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)
For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this:
(And remember it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.
'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart raced. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'
Instinct told her to do what to do. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.
'Take my money and spare me', she gasped.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.
Confused, she struggled to her feet.
'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing..
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.
From Michael Jordan and Eddie Murphie
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To link to this blog (rm_daytimmer4u) use [blog rm_daytimmer4u] in your messages.
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