what a fight that was....
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Posted:Aug 25, 2009 7:02 am
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2009 7:33 am
3012 Views
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
> channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'>
> I said, 'Dust.' and
> that's when the fight started...
>
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
> while we were in bed. I turned to her and
> said, "Do you want to have
> sex?" "No," she answered.
>
> I then said, "Is that your
> final answer?" She didn 't even look at me
> this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said,
> "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
> anniversary?"> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
> appreciation"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
> she said.
> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> Saturday morning I got up early,
> quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,>
> and slipped quietly into the
> garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
> truck, and proceeded to back out into a
> torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,
> so I pulled back into the garage,
> turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
> be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
> undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my
> wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my
> stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
>
> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent
> babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock
> in the morning, a loud noise came
> from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up
> from the bed and yelled at the man
> 'Holy Crap. That must be my husband!'
> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped
> out the window.
>
> He smashed himself on the ground,
> ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast>
> as he could go. A few minutes later
> he returned and went up to the bedroom and>
> screamed at the woman, 'I AM
> your husband!'
> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
> running?'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson
> Canadian for $24.95.>
> Instead, she bought a jar of face
> cream for $17.95.
> I told her the beer would make her look better at night
> than the face cream..
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom
> mirror. She was not happy>
> with what she saw and said to her
> husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and
> ugly I really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'
> The husband
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dont talk to the bird!
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Posted:Aug 24, 2009 10:19 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:50 am
2786 Views
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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my Spike. He won't bother you.'
'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'
'I MUST STRESS THIS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied,
'Get him Spike!'
See............................Men just don't listen!
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sometimes you have to let them go
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Posted:Aug 22, 2009 7:25 am
Last Updated:Aug 28, 2009 5:03 am
2862 Views
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A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixen {getting ready} to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please, don't jump; think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to
jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and ."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any ."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, "Well, bless your heart, just go ahead
and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."
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how much is that?
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Posted:Aug 11, 2009 8:47 am
Last Updated:Aug 28, 2009 11:48 am
2886 Views
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Great News for these financially-
challenged times!
I found a local who charges
by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you
might enjoy a cheap night out.
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3 great ...
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Posted:Aug 11, 2009 8:43 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:50 am
2842 Views
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Barack Obama was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the
> bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service
> guys could get to him, 3 who were fishing pulled him out of the
> water.
>
> He was so grateful he offered the whatever they wanted.
>
> The first said, 'I want to go to Disneyland.' Barack said, 'No
> problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'
>
> The second said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.'
>
> Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign
> them!'
>
> The third said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
> jstereo headset!'
>
> Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like
> you're handicapped.'
>
> The said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
> drowning.'
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budget cuts
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Posted:Aug 6, 2009 7:01 am
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2009 8:25 am
2831 Views
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Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil,
as well as current market conditions,"The Light at the End of the Tunnel"
has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience ...
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safe house
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Posted:Aug 6, 2009 6:59 am
Last Updated:Aug 6, 2009 11:19 am
2855 Views
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if you want to keep your things safe --- get a good watch lion
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did you......
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Posted:Aug 5, 2009 8:41 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:50 am
2770 Views
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Ever wonder what happened to those cute
and crazy hippie girls that did drugs and
tattoos in the 60's?
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good books
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Posted:Aug 4, 2009 7:58 am
Last Updated:Aug 6, 2009 11:20 am
2776 Views
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shortest books
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J.. Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
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fascinate?
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Posted:Aug 3, 2009 9:39 am
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2009 7:34 am
2747 Views
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The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was
fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and
was "fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate",so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
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viagra
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Posted:Aug 3, 2009 9:36 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:50 am
2726 Views
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
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wooden leg
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Posted:Aug 3, 2009 9:32 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:50 am
2625 Views
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A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri , from Texas . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas , it cost them $2000. Per year!
When they arrived in Missouri , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas !
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'
(Those “Show Me Missourians know how "to git 'ER done"; don't they?)
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old timers sex
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Posted:Jul 31, 2009 7:37 am
Last Updated:Aug 3, 2009 9:00 am
2788 Views
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.''OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man20moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence‘.
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