Daily Quote
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Posted:Aug 12, 2008 4:55 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2009 6:35 am
1282 Views
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream." - Mark Twain
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SIPPING VODKA
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Posted:Aug 11, 2008 5:59 pm
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2009 10:40 pm
1389 Views
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, , and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
 David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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STATE TROOPER
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Posted:Aug 9, 2008 12:32 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2009 6:33 am
1355 Views
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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for
this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind
him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and
said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you
go."
The old gentleman paused, and then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her
back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
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