Joke of the Day
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Posted:Jul 11, 2008 4:00 am
Last Updated:Sep 2, 2008 4:03 am
1461 Views
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Now we all know that this had to be a joke because the current joke of an administration doesn't; nor does the slimy little prick of a President, possess the intelligences to compose such a response to a letter.
THE LARK PROGRAM
A Lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about
the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo
Bay.
She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the
Taliban and Al Quida detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay,Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining
Program, to be called the 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammad Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care
for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your
letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his attitudinal problem' will help
him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at
your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep
those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is
a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code
that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the Burk -- over
time.
Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and his
religious beliefs' -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.
You take good care of
Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially, your friend,
GEORGE W. BUSH
Have a great weekend.
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2
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Email of the Day!
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Posted:Jul 5, 2008 6:45 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2008 2:17 pm
1470 Views
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CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THIS IS?
New Cook County Correctional Center, Chicago, Illinois
(I guess if I ever break the law, I'd better do it in Illinois!
Homeless people should have it so good!)
Once again the taxpayer gets stung.
It also shows that in most cases the quality of life for prisoners has improved considerably from what you might expect.
And I always thought prison was for punishment.
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this comparison chart should make things a little bit clearer:
@ PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell @ WORK
You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle
@ PRISON
You get three fully paid for meals a day @ WORK
You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it
@ PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off @ WORK
For good behavior, you get more work
@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you @ WORK
You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself
@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games @ WORK
You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games
@ PRISON
You get your own toilet @ WORK
You have to share the toilet with
people who pee on the seat
@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit @ WORK
You aren't even supposed
to speak to your family
@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part @ WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out @ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens @ WORK
They are called 'managers'
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
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1
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Thursday Humor
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Posted:Jun 19, 2008 7:36 am
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2008 3:45 am
1769 Views
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Just a little humor for you.
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5
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More criticism for Penthouse!
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Posted:Jun 16, 2008 5:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2008 10:26 pm
1695 Views
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Just using this profile for an example. [JogOnOver 58 F]from Warrenville, IL. Or is she?
Go on line, the new XMatch page opens with the list of members on line and her photo is there. Run my cursor over the new format and it say she is from Madrid, Spain.
Just another XMatch glitch? I didn't think much of it at the time, but I am browsing women in my area and her profile shows up as living in Illinois.
Monday rants, aren't they great. Fuck this site.
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4
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Sunday Morning
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Posted:Jun 8, 2008 6:39 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2008 8:46 pm
1734 Views
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Calm Sunday morning, the morning after some turbulent weather from the day before. Can�t remember so many communities in the Chicago land area that had tornado�s touch down. Usually when there are storms the networks run the crawl on the screen alerting the masses of impending doom, but the local fox network affiliate interrupted regular programming for two hours following the storms.
I can remember as a how freaked out my Mother got with these storms. She would turn off the TV, the lights, and turn on the transmitter radio to listen fro more warning. She wouldn�t let you do anything, not even take a bath. There was a tornado once in the town we lived in and as a she remembers a house being torn in half and a man was taking a bath at the time.
I�m not one of those people who like thunder storms, but maybe if I had the company of a woman with me I�d change my mind. Maybe getting wet, seeing her curves through the wet clothes with the thought of helping her get dried off and having her put on one of my tee shirts. Most of the time it�s a pain to be outdoors doing anything, running from your car to go somewhere, being out on a golf course and not get stuck by lighting.
Getting back to the more pleasant thoughts of wetness and drying off and nothing but wearing a tee shirt, cuddling up watching a movie kissing, licking, nibbling, you get the picture. Sunday morning, cutting up a potato with some onion, coffee, an English muffin, eggs. Now all I needs is the elusive woman with a tee shirt.
Have a good week.
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4
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If I was in your bed?
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Posted:Jun 3, 2008 12:15 pm
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2008 8:00 am
1929 Views
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This was sent to me from a friend from another site and I thought it was cute.
If you woke up one morning and saw me in your bed what would u do?
1) go back to sleep
2) slap me
3) cuss me out
4) just tell me to leave
5) climb on top of me and cuddle
6) have sex with me .... details please!
7) make me breakfast
 ask me my name
9) call the cops
10) kiss on me
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7
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Subliminal Message
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Posted:May 30, 2008 6:33 am
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2008 2:27 am
1857 Views
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Had one of those nights last night; went to bed after watching the Cubs game; well I actually went to bed in the 9th inning and fell asleep, I woke up to see them slapping each other on the ass so I know they won; turned off the tube and again fell asleep. There-in lies the problem; I wrote up at about 1:30 or 2:00 AM and couldn’t fall back to sleep.
That’s dangerous cuz it makes me think of this shit to write to amuse myself. Like seeing you really pay attention to the crap I write. For instance, one of my original user names on A.F.F. was ceedee. Now I had about 60148 questions about what the fuck does it mean? Am I a seedy character? Or initials? (Actually spelled that correct without the aid of spell check) Some even poked fun @ me.
Others called me a yahoo, and I could vary well, be. Well the subliminal message is complete. No, you don’t have to step ten feet from your computer; you will not see any images of my dick or Jessica Simpson. It’s just an exercise to see if anyone can get it.
Have a nice Friday, a pleasant tomorrow, and good weekend.
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3
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Note to Penthouse.
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Posted:May 26, 2008 9:15 am
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2008 2:28 am
2185 Views
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You probably have been wondering why I haven’t been around that much lately, or renewed my membership. I have a confession to make.
Okay, I have to admit it. It is getting to me. I have been cheating. I……..I’ve been seeing another web site. A site that does not proclaim, “Hook up tonight”, or say “discover real sexual partner today”. I have no one to blame but myself for falling pray to the sexual innuendo when I first discover Local Sexy Swingers some time ago.
Don’t get me wrong, I have met some very nice people, be it mainly just corresponding through emails and blogs and the magazine. Been to a few meet and greets and even had a couple of dates, but I wasn’t their cup of tea. I’ve met more women in a short period of time at the other site, the more vanilla type, than at any time on A.F.F. Oh, by the way, they enjoy adult fun. I guess actions speak loader than words.
The other site makes it easier for you to want to pay their membership fee. It allows you to use all features of the site, view profiles, flirt, and chat if you do that sort of thing. The fake profile is much easier to spot, so you don’t waste time and effort. So my dear Xmatch, I guess I’m asking if a “no strings attached” relationship is possible. I will understand if you choose to not go forward, as it’s been fun. It’s been real; it’s been real fun.
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3
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E-Mail Of The Day
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Posted:May 25, 2008 9:05 am
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2008 10:12 am
1669 Views
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It's been around before, but always timely in hopes someone will 'get it.'
Becoming Illegal
(Actual letter sent by an Iowa resident to his senator)
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status is that my would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my .
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.
Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA
Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service
Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer!!!!
Hope everyone is having a happy and safe holiday weekend.
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I have such narrow minded friends.
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Posted:May 21, 2008 6:51 am
Last Updated:May 29, 2008 5:44 am
1697 Views
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Played golf with the guys yesterday and I was using Pink Balls. They said I was gay, but I tried to explain to the morons that it was my women’s breast cancer awareness. We do have fun and we have these little side bets on par 3’s. The deal is if you’re on the green in one you have to make par and everyone has to give you five bucks; if you make birdie you get a sawbuck. If you miss you pay them five dollars.
The 16th hole, par 3, elevated tee, 158 yards. I’m on putting for birdie. I missed so I need to make my next putt to save par and collect. I missed and one of the guys quips; “must have been the wrong cup size!” If you don’t understand or get it, write me and I’ll explain.
Happy Hump Day.
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3
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E-Mail Of The Day
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Posted:May 12, 2008 1:00 pm
Last Updated:May 19, 2008 4:28 am
1594 Views
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Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 52 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
' today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress. '
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Have a nice day and a pleasant tomorrow.
Remember 
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3
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Joke of the Day
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Posted:May 3, 2008 4:29 am
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2008 8:18 am
1661 Views
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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around
the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient
was masturbating
furiously.
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful!
Why is he doing
that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
'I'm very sorry
that
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where
his
testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't
do that at least
five
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his
testicles could easily
rupture.'
'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the
woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male
patient laying in
bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the
woman screamed, 'Oh
my
GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness,
better health plan."
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To link to this blog (wanttopamperyou2) use [blog wanttopamperyou2] in your messages.
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