Blow Jobs my New Years Resolution 2010
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Posted:Dec 31, 2009 11:54 pm
Last Updated:Feb 7, 2010 5:47 pm
7346 Views
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This is my Resolution for the year 2010, it is simple and one that will need the help of the men out there.
I want to give 10 blow jobs per week this year, who wants to help me meet this goal?
Tell me why you would like to be the one getting it.
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Happy New Year!!
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Posted:Dec 31, 2009 11:03 am
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2010 5:09 pm
6100 Views
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A New Years toast to love and laughter
and happily ever after
A health to you, a wealth to you,
And the best that life can give to you.
Dance as if no one were watching, sing as if no one were listening and live every day as if it were your last.
We've Holidays and happy days,
and memory days galore
And when we've toasted every one,
I offer just one more
So let us lift our glasses high,
and drink a silent toast
To the day, deep buried in each heart
that each one loves the most
Here's wishing you more happiness
Than all my words can tell,
Not just alone for New Years Eve
But for all the year as well.
Here's to the days of good will,
cold weather, and warm hearts.
May your troubles be less
And your blessings be more.
And nothing but happiness
Come through your door.
HAPPY NEW YEARS AND MAY 2010 BE THE BEST YEAR YET.
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The Night After Christmas
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Posted:Dec 22, 2009 6:18 pm
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2009 1:24 pm
6229 Views
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I did not write this but it is fantastic and I wanted to share.
'Twas the night after Christmas, his duties were done.
Now Santa was looking to have him some fun.
His stockings were flung on the floor and the chair,
And over the mantle his used underwear.
Mrs. Claus was as nervous as a blushing school girl.
Watching as Santa's desire did unfurl.
"Oh take me, you big boy!" she started to shout.
And Santa responded by whipping it out.
Santa arose with a big booming clatter.
He was horny as hell, his dick growing fatter.
"Fuck Donner and Blitzen, the elves and the toys.
Show me what comes to very bad boys."
From the front and the back, he gave her a fuck,
And squeezed her big boobies to bring him good luck.
His face was all red. His heart threatened to stall,
As his pearly white semen splattered the wall.
"Oh Santa," she cried, with moans of delight.
"Boys need to be naughty, to have a good night."
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A Christmas Story
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Posted:Dec 21, 2009 9:01 pm
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2009 10:41 am
5732 Views
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Here is another funny thing about Christmas that will make you laugh. I cannot take credit for this either.
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my a** for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady b**ches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those ***holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little s**ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat a** and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
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A Politically Correct Christmas Poem
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Posted:Dec 21, 2009 8:50 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 6:57 pm
5683 Views
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I cannot take credit for this but I wanted to share because it is funny and gives a good laugh.
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".
To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.
So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.
And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"
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Christmas, what does it really mean.
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Posted:Dec 20, 2009 6:11 pm
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2009 1:25 pm
5785 Views
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I have had so many friends tell me that they cannot get into the Christmas spirit this year. So many of us have struggled hard just to pay the bills, to keep a roof over our heads, to provide food and just the essistinals of everyday living.
I have heard so many say that this Christmas will suck because there is no money to buy presents with.
But I think that we have all forgotten what Christmas really means including myself. I too have felt the crunch of not having money, not being able to pay the bills and worst yet the possibility of losing my home. But I came across this poem and I wanted to share it with all of you. I do not know who wrote it, but it did make me think.
True Meaning of Christmas
Just a week before Christmas I had a visitor. This is how it happened. I just finished the household chores for the night and was preparing to go to bed, when I heard a noise in the front of the house. I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out next to the fireplace.
"What are you doing?" I started to ask. The words choked up in my throat and I saw he had tears in his eyes. His usual jolly manner was gone. Gone was the eager, boisterous soul we all know. He then answered me with a simple statement . . .
"TEACH THE !" I was puzzled. What did he mean? He anticipated my question and with one quick movement brought forth a miniature toy bag from behind the tree. As I stood bewildered, Santa said, "Teach the !
Teach them the old meaning of Christmas. The meaning that now-a-days Christmas has forgotten. "Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a FIR TREE and placed it before the mantle. "Teach the that the pure green color of the stately fir tree remains green all year round, depicting the everlasting hope of mankind, all the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of man's thoughts turning toward heaven."
He again reached into his bag and pulled out a brilliant STAR. "Teach the that the star was the heavenly sign of promises long ago. God promised a Savior for the world and the star was the sign of fulfillment of His promise."
He then reached into his bag and pulled out a CANDLE. "Teach the that the candle symbolizes that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of He who displaces the darkness."
Once again he reached into his bag and removed a WREATH and placed it on the tree. "Teach the that the wreath symbolizes the real nature of love. Real love never ceases. Love is one continuous round of affection."
He then pulled from his bag an ORNAMENT of himself. "Teach the that I, Santa Claus, symbolize the generosity and good will we feel during the month of December
He then brought out a HOLLY LEAF. "Teach the that the holly plant represents immortality. It represents the crown of thorns worn by our Savior. The red holly berries represent the blood shed by Him.
Next he pulled from his bag a GIFT and said, "Teach the that God so loved the world that he gave his begotten ." Thanks be to God for his unspeakable gift.
Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a CANDY CANE and hung it on the tree. "Teach the that the candy cane represents the shepherds' crook. The crook on the staff helps to bring back strayed sheep to the flock. The candy cane is the symbol that we are our brother's keeper."
He reached in again and pulled out an ANGEL. "Teach the that it was the angels that heralded in the glorious news of the Savior's birth. The angels sang Glory to God in the highest, on earth peace and good will toward men."
Suddenly I heard a soft twinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled out a BELL,. "Teach the that as the lost sheep are found by the sound of the bell, it should ring mankind to the fold. The bell symbolizes guidance and return.
Santa looked back and was pleased. He looked back at me and I saw that the twinkle was back in his eyes. He said, "Remember, teach the the true meaning of Christmas and do not put me in the center, for I am but a humble servant of the One that is, and I bow down to worship him, our LORD, our GOD."
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Cock Sucking why is important to a man.
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Posted:Dec 19, 2009 10:10 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2010 12:37 pm
6308 Views
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Why is Oral Sex so important to a man? The penis is the most sensitive and vulnerable part of the man's body. A male's identity is strongly associated with his penis. His semen is like rare nectar that he wants to give to you as a gift. It makes your man feel loved, accepted and received when you give him oral sex. When you refuse it, he feels rejected. Who wants to see a man act like a sad lost little puppy? One of the best ways to show your man how much you love him and keep his eyes from wandering is to give him fellatio. (Okay now this may not be 100 percent fail proof, because there will always be those men out there that will wander even if they are getting what they need at home).
It is no secret that men enjoy fellatio immensely, but sometimes women underestimate the importance of this. Okay, some of you women may get angry with me for this next statement, but it is a reality that women must face. If you do not give your man oral sex, the chances are very great that he will get it elsewhere. (I know from experience, because I have a couple of male friends that are married and I am the one that provides the much needed lip service they want). It is one of his most basic sexual needs. There is probably nothing that would make your man happier than oral sex on a regular basis. If you provide this for him, you will be irresistible to him.
If you have an aversion to fellatio, it would be wise to seek someone to discuss this with, unless your partner feels the same way and it is not an issue in the relationship. There may be many reasons why you don't like to give oral sex that can be overcome. You may feel it is disgusting or dirty, or you may feel used or disrespected. You may view it unconsciously as something that bad girls do. These are some of the inaccurate messages that women receive growing up and sometimes they become internalized. By talking these things out with a professional, perhaps you can undo the conditioning and learn to enjoy oral sex.
It may also be helpful to try and think about how much you love your man, how sweet and precious he is to you, as you give him fellatio. Try to see the penis as an extension of who he is. Show him how much you love and adore him, how very special he is, by focusing on pleasuring his penis. If it is the flavor that is distasteful to you, you can try drinking a tasty warm tea prior to sex, or brushing your teeth immediately before for the nice minty aftertaste it leaves in your mouth. Another option is to coat the penis with something flavorful or to suck on a breath mint while performing. If it is the semen that is disliked, you can try keeping a glass of your favorite tasty beverage nearby to drink afterwards, or keep the breath mint in your mouth during and after ejaculation.
Men, you can help your woman become more willing by making sure you are fresh and clean. You also need to show your lover respect and appreciation for her act. Assure her that you love and respect her before and after fellatio. This should be the case in every relationship, but for the reluctant women a little extra effort will be required. If you have an aversion to cunnilingus, all the above can be applied to you as well, to help you find it more enjoyable.
Simply performing the motions of oral sex is not enough; one must be effective and know their woman's or men secret buttons. One must also enjoy it. It is an incredible turn on for both men and women to see the delight in their lover's face and actions as they pleasure them or to hear their moans of enjoyment. Pay attention to your lover's body language and read their signals. Adjust your pressure, speed, direction and rhythm according to their desires and preferences.
A favorite approach for the man is to lie between the man's legs while he is on his back propped up on a pillow so he can watch, or kneel on the floor between his legs while he stands above you. To really drive your man wild, look him in the eyes occasionally as you're going up and down his shaft. Delight in your lover's penis. Worship it. Show how much you enjoy it with moans of pleasure and desire. Use your hands, tongue and lips, alternate between stroking with your hand and stroking with your mouth. While stroking with your hand, suck, kiss or lick his head. Run your tongue up and down the length of his shaft, then caress and roll the testicles around tenderly with your tongue. The most sensitive areas of the penis are on the underside and along the coronal ridge, which is along the edges of the head.
Caress his shaft and head with your mouth, and then engulf his head with your mouth and slide down to the base. Take it all in, baby! Every now and then tell him how beautiful his penis is and how much you love it. It may be very enjoyable to your man if you allow him to hold onto your head while you deep throat him or perhaps pull your hair a little bit. Not mean and vicious pulling, but down and dirty pulling. It can also be very arousing for the woman to have her hair pulled. It brings out the animal in both sexes.
Once down to the base, pull out to the tip nice and slow with deep suction, and then go back down again. Increase your speed with each dive. It can provide fantastic pleasure for your man to rub his anus or insert your finger in his anus while you are licking and sucking him. I can get my own husband off in less than 5 minutes by taking my tongue and flicking it back and forth along the coronal ridge.
When pleasuring your man it is very important to know that you should swallow at least part of the time! It can be insulting and is usually a turn off for your man if you act repulsed by his semen. It is a loving gift to delight in your partner's ejaculation by swallowing, or at other times, a fun alternative can be to watch the ejaculation shooting in various places such as on your breasts, face, buttocks, abdomen or wherever you prefer and then rubbing and caressing the semen on one another. Once he has come, it can be very pleasurable for some men to continue sucking and licking him tenderly while he is soft.
You will keep your man very satisfied and happy if you provide him with spontaneous unexpected oral sex. Give him a surprise wake up call in the morning by slipping between his legs, or wake him up from a nap with a little oral delight, or while he's watching football or driving the car. Nothing will make your man happier than you being his little cocksucker.
When you are giving a man oral or manual stimulation, you are giving him a very precious gift. This means that you are the one giving him pleasure.
Since it is a gift, you are the one making the choices. You are not obligated to do any particular technique or to allow him to use you as an object.
Part of what really turns a man on about oral and manual sex is that he is giving up his control to someone else. A large part of the sexual experience is the exchange of power. When it comes to sex, women have a lot of power. So, as you perform any oral or manual technique, make sure that he knows that you are in charge of the process, that you are confident in your ability to bring him to orgasm on your terms and your timing, and that he can trust you to give him a better orgasm than he's ever had before.
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I did something really bad, but I do not feel bad about it at all.
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Posted:Dec 15, 2009 9:24 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2014 6:44 pm
6694 Views
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I work with a group of really self centered assholes who seem to think that they are far better than me, for what ever reason I am not sure.
I have bent over backwards to make their jobs easier for them and what do they do in return, they go out of their way to make mine harder. I am one of those that others enjoy using and then tossing aside. Well I have got to the point where I am no longer going to put up with it.
Our department was having a Christmas party. But no one bothered to tell me about it. I had to find out by accident. So then when I asked them about it, I was told that they forgot to tell me. OK so I let it slide. I was told that it was to be at 8 in the morning at a local restaurant. On a day that is almost impossible for me to get off. So I rearranged my schedule and got up at 4 in the morning so I could get my work done before the party. (My boss was not going to let me go unless I had it all done before). I had everything done and left for the party. Got there and saw no one from our company there. I waited for 15 minutes then I went into the restaurant and asked them if this was the right place. It was the right place but the wrong time. I was told that it was 10:30 in the morning not 8 am. So they once again have done it to me. (You see this group of 10, plan parties all the time and never invite me, I was not told about last years party until after it happened, they leave me the trash to clean up and they are just downright mean and rude, and it does no good to talk to the boss, because he tells me to suck it up and deal with it---ok so I have dealt with it my way).
I was so pissed that I wanted to pull my hair out. So I drove back to work and I did something that I would never normally do, but I have had enough of this crap. I called the restaurant and canceled the reservations that they made. Told them that I was so and so and that we would rather die than to eat at their shitty cafe.
Well I found out that their party went down in flames and when they got to the restaurant they were asked to leave and never come back. So their catered affair did not happen and they will never know who canceled their party.
   
  
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'It's either screw or swim!'
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Posted:Dec 14, 2009 9:24 pm
Last Updated:Dec 18, 2009 5:33 pm
5596 Views
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Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
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Old people sex-----haha
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Posted:Dec 14, 2009 9:19 pm
Last Updated:Dec 20, 2009 4:06 pm
5472 Views
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There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.
"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
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This is funny.
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Posted:Dec 14, 2009 9:03 pm
Last Updated:Dec 15, 2009 7:28 pm
5405 Views
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
Bet you did not expect that did ya?
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Fisting, do you know what it is? Would you try it?
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Posted:Dec 14, 2009 5:32 pm
Last Updated:Dec 15, 2009 7:31 pm
5410 Views
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Although the term fisting may sound violent, the act is not. Fisting is just the name for inserting ones whole hand into a woman's vagina. Once inserted the hand will naturally form into a fist shape, hence the name. (Although fisting is not just limited to the vagina, there is also anal fisting).
Although the vaginal membrane is extremely pliable,(remember a baby's head will fit through) care must be taken in fisting. The woman must be very aroused and lubricated. Always use plenty of lube when fisting. Yes I can fully attest to this. My husband and I do partake in this form of sex and I find it very arousing.
Here's How:
In order for the vaginal walls to open wide enough for your had to fit in, she must be highly aroused. Spend lots of time doing what ever it takes to turn her on. Such as eating her pussy.
In order to receive a hand into her vagina, a woman must be very relaxed. Fisting can be very intense, so make sure if the woman on the receiving end needs to stop, that you do. She should be the one in charge of this situation. (If she tells you to stop then listen to her).
Plan to use lots of lubricant and wear a latex glove for protection from sexually transmitted diseases.
Insert one or two fingers at a time. She may enjoy clitoral stimulation as you do this.
The idea is to try and get your hand as small as possible. Cup your four fingers around your thumb so your hand is a skinny as it can get.
With your knuckles facing the posterior (bottom) of her vagina, slowly rotate your hand, while gently pushing in.
Getting your knuckles through is the most difficult part. Add more lube if needed. She should be breathing deep breaths and trying to relax. Again, if it is too much for her, stop.
A slight rotation of the wrist should be all you need to get past her pubic bone and inside her vagina.
Your hand will naturally curl up once inside. Once you are inside you can hold still, gently move in and out, or gently rotate your wrist.
Fisting can be intense and make you partner feel vulnerable. Remember it is her pleasure you are after. Respect her wishes.
Tips:
Not all women will be able to tolerate fisting. If she can't handle it, stop!
Lube! Lube! Lube! And more Lube!
Communication is essential in an intense act like fisting. Make sure you and your partner understand each other.
If you are acting out a scene has a "safe word" that means stop.
What You Need:
A latex glove
Lots of water based lubricant
MOST IMPORTANT NEED IS PATIENCE.
The first time we tried this it hurt a fair amount and I had to make him slow down. Once he got his fist in my pussy, he slowly began to fuck me with it. He was massaging my g-spot and soon I had what I consider the most intense orgasm I have ever had. My whole body was involved and my pussy muscles clamped down like a vise and My husband said he hand felt like it was being crushed but he continued to fuck me slowly with his hand. This orgasm was what I call a whole body experience and I began to gush girl cum with such force that our bed was soaked.
My husband wants to try anal fisting and someday I may just let him try.
A few words of caution before you roll up your sleeves and plunge in: fisting can result in injury to the fistee if not done properly. You do NOT make a fist and ram it home.
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