Dis-Interested
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Posted:Feb 9, 2007 9:15 am
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2007 7:09 am
1786 Views
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I can remember sitting here one night in late 2005. I got a pop-up saying, chances at 99% I could get laid in my hone town tonite. Now, I have extensive internet/network experience, you can figure out within a very small area where someone lives by reverse name lookups, ip addresses etc. But getting laid? haha, but it got me here.
My first account was a joke, the nickname was LonelyGirl14304, which i even used the wrong zip code, but I don't remember now if i goofed or picked it that way. I did not frequent the room I do now, but drifted around with amazement at the things I viewed on cameras.
I got into the gender room around spring 2006 maybe, and began to chat there regularly, if not exclusively. This is where I am about to make some serious enemies of those who calim to be similar to myself. I don't care anymore.
At first glance, my purpose became to seek out others truly similar to me. Let med state what I claim that to be. I went public the first time in 1975. There were no networks of other tg/ts/cd/tv whatever. There were no doctors or psycologists to talk to. I followed the time honored peer thing set for us mostly by paents and married, had , got a mortgage, went in debt miles over my head etc.
In 1997 that ended and I was free to grip this thing that can not be therapied(?) out of you, but can only be dealt with professionally. I had been to "professionals", and I quote it as none of them were in this field of study since 1985. In 1997 I would go to gay bars, where it appeared the only safe place for a guy in a dress could go. I did meet a few who told me the names of professionals that did exist who knew gender knowledge. Off I went, and after 2 years or so, and lots of reading at both the library on gender, medicine, helath, and extensive use of this new toy called the internet, gripped what I thought I was and how to act upon it personally.
1999 I began hormone replacement therapy, the real life test in ernest, because before it I spent much of my time more as a male than as a female. Inside my head I was a femae, but to the world, only God knows what others thought.
In 2000, I landed my first employment in where it was ok to some extent to be myself, in appearance etc. We talked and the arraingment we had was, once it happens, there is no going back. Meaning, a male was hired, as the female appears, there is no more male to go back to. No, I got up to late, couldnt get ready, I didnt have clean female clothes so I wore the male etc. I was married too long, not to notice my wife had to get up earlier than I might have, to prepare her appearance etc, so I had to now to. Yes, some days she wore jeans, sneakers, no makeup etc, but if I have to go into more detail you are reading the wrong blog, leave now.
This was a blessing in disguise. One of those pure examples of "Watch what you ask for, you might get it". I found myself still dressing at times like that guy in a dress in the 90's, wearing makeup like i saw on the drag queens, you know, all you own at the same time? I stuffed a bra, and they werent always the same size. I bought Making Faces by Kevyn Aucoin, learned what the hell I was doing. Went to MAC for makeovers. Bought forms so it never varied, got a perm so it stayed consistant etc. Now, I am not saying I had to, nor that it was necessary, but it helped force me to be consistant. More importantly, It forced me to observe other females and their behavior, which in no way, shape or form, was how I behaved. I was still a guy. This job didnt last, as you might have figured.
Damage done during that helped my exit, as the things I leaned happened to late into that experience. They did not go unnoticed for the future. When In Rome, Do As The Romans. Less Is More. The one I learned the hardest, but took to heart the most was, "If you let someone else row your boat, its gonna go where they wanna take it".
I was born a male, I want to die as a female. Period. I still to this day can't really say I even know what that means. I wasn't raised, reared or had the peer groups as a female, say as my ex wife or sister would have. But I did shape a plan, a goal, a path and decided where I was going and what I would be from the start to the end.
I have lived as if I was a female to the eyes of those observing me since. There is no boy mode, there is no girl mode. Do not ever think that, act as that, wish for that, behave as that. If you do you are a failure in life skills. There is one mode, you, or for me, one mode, me.
I began to realise something I should have all along, and one my doctor should have said, oh no, now it is gonna get rough.
The next thing I formulated I need to do was this. "You can get all you want outta life, if you just help enough other people get what they want outta of life." I had to give to get, spend to earn, love to be loved. Everything you do is a relationship, easily defined as supply and demand. They have it, I want or need it. I have it, they want or need it. If a person shows you care, they want it back or they go elsewhere. An employer wants a task performed, you do do not do it, they get someone to.
If you give to others, you will get it back, 99% of the time. The others are takers. Maybe you have met some. What did you do when you did? Passed them over for another right? Do not be a taker, be a giver.
It has been nearly 6 1/2 years since the first chance to be myself in the eyes of the public. It has been a hell of a ride. The bumps, as most wish to claim, are caused by external sources. I say they are not, they are internal. It is known as react or respond. When a doctor says to you, those pills i gave you are reacting, uh oh, you become aware, afraid etc. When the doctor says, those pills I gave you are responding, good. Take the things that happen to you in the public and respond to them, do not react. What others do and say, what they think does matter because it is a relationship. Do they have what I need, do I have what they need? Think about, I am right on this, I have since 1997 in public, as prove it is right.
I live as ME full time. It is not a girl as a girl, it is not a boy as a girl, it is me. What you see if a composite of all I have learned, good and bad, all of it has shaped me into the person you have met here. I get up every morning like you. I bathed, dress, eat, work, do household chores, pay bills, commute, sleep nd repeat it daily, just like you do. We are all the same. What you see when you see me, is what I do in order for ME to be what I want to see. It is my choice. I do not do it for anyone else. When I look in that mirro in the morning, I still many times see the male born in 1957. I do not know why, maybe I still have issues to work on. The external results you see daily, the hair, makeup, clothes or whatever, are for ME. Not you, not him, her, the world etc. In order to perform to your maximum, you must be happy with yourself. Want to go up? then dress up. Want to raise your IQ? Read, learn. "A person can not perform in a manner that exceeds what they see themselves as".
Does this mean I need to present myself in a manner that meets or exceeds my own self expectations? You damn well bet it does.
Back to the beginning of this blog entry. I have met a limited few, like count them on one hand who are like me. I have also met several who are not like me, but who are honest about themselves and their life, and that is just what I wanted to find, real warm blooded, honest, caring adult friends. But in the grand scheme, I have also encountered thousands who are as fake as a 3 dollar bill. The viel of anonynimity the internet gives us, sucks so bad, and the volumns of people who abuse it makes me sick. The 1000's of guy who come along, with no hello who demand we, as "trans" people, give them pleasure sexually makes me puke.
In the "real" world, you do not walk up to a total stranger, and demand anything without forming some kind of relationship first. With this in mind, I have formed relationships here. I treasure them. I hope to retain them a long time to come. I will not participate in this trough full of feed for which any animal may come and feed from any longer. I have decided to curtail, if not cease all activities here. I am not getting work done, not cleaning my home, sleeping well, and some of the crap I observe here has followed my outside of chat and affected me elsewhere. I can not afford this to happen.
Love, Desiré
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More of my wry whit and wisdom
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Posted:Oct 3, 2006 10:10 pm
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2007 9:25 pm
1735 Views
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The chat is nice, the people in the rooms Ive been in generally are, but many times can be real poor and makes me not want to use this site at all.
I know the title says sex, the mood says sex, the advertisements say sex, but where does it say anyone can force their will or wishes and demands on anyone they want.
I live in Western New York. I went to the room for it, got tossed in minutes cuz I am a (T). I always knew where i live is socially respressed, if mot mentally challenged.
There are so many phonies, beggars, sluts, I can not get over the non stop barrage by males jerking off. I was looking at the who's on cam page. 1000+ males, 46 females, 119 couples. I checked the males, of the first fifty, 2 had viewers, and 1 for each. Tells ya something doesnt it, not many, er, no one wants to see some guy jerk off on cam.
I want to see a face, a smailing happy one. Fuck the wigs, the tons of makeup, the garters, heels, strap ons, maids outfits, where are the people? Do we have to masquerade as something we are not for attention? Maybe I should'nt have joined, I am not interested in 100 guys attacking my cam demanding shit, some of which I never even heard of.
Oh well, on my mind at the time, now its on yours too.
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Life is fuuny through other eyes.
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Posted:Sep 6, 2006 2:39 pm
Last Updated:Sep 6, 2006 2:40 pm
1708 Views
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I was married 22 years legally. From 1979 to 1997 we lived together, only as residents in the same house after 1994. Spearted in 1997, thed divorce was legal in 2001.
I was bored today so I read a ton of blogs and polls by others in my area. I am not really looking for a mate, although if someone gets my eye I would look.
I cant even imagine what my ex would say about what I was like when it came to sex. I know we had it often, very often at the start, and of course not so often later.
I know she did not like it referred to as fucking, that sounds like tenderizing meat. I do know we both enjoyed giving and receiving oral sex as foreplay.
Truthfully, I tremendously enjoyed receiving oral pleasure, but I can still state to this day I enjoyed giving it more. I could feel her get warmer, her nipples and clitoris enlarging or changing, her legs and body would move a lot during climax. I did not need to be told it happened, I could tell. I also knew i had a short fuse and would explode quite quickly, so I knew I had to do a lot for her to be satisfied before I was satisfied, or I stopped. I had zero ability to recoup quickly.
One blog I read today I laughed my ass off, The top 40 ways men fail in bed... My god, it is hilarious and true. Until I figure out how to do this right, here is the user. GO find her, read her blogs.
steamyandsexybi
I would like to think most of, it not nearly all 40 of those I did not do. Maybe she thinks I did all 40, who knows, but I am close.
The end of my marriage was really ugly. The aftermath still continues, albeit vry little now that the are gone from the nest.
I have not had an intimate relationship that includes sex since probably 1994. I have not even kissed a girl since then, held hands since then. There have been some hugs, but none of the kind I long for. I have not attempted to rectify the loss as my head is not on straight enough to give the other partner the devotion I know they need, even if they don't know it themselves.
I am close to that point where I am going to look for a relationship again. I know I am transgendered. That is going to be a huge hurdle to clear when I begin the search for the woman of my dreams again. It appears she might have to be older, mature, past the stage, maybe past the marriage stage, as I will NEVER repeat that. She may also need to be the kind who is only looking for what I am looking for. Hugs, holding hands, kissing, sharing, laughing, and a shoulder to lean on when the times get tough. If sex once again happens, its a bonus but not the focus of the relationship.
Maybe there is still a lot of male in me, or maybe its maturity, but I wish to find that special one I can place on a pedestal and treat like fine art, treat as if she didnt exist, neither would I. I should have done that for my ex, but not beginning that way, it couldnt be had later. Males eeem to want to be worshipped as without them, and what they bring ot the relationship, you know what I mean, that no one could exist. That is not what I want. I want my partner to know they mean the most to me that is possible, not just that earlier piece of meat i referred to.
Any how, this is what is in my head now. Thanks for reading.
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Should I begin to get serious about this blog?
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Posted:Sep 6, 2006 6:52 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 10:31 am
1679 Views
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Ok, I started it but didn't do a thing since.
If you talk to me in chat you know I am opinionated. I am working on keeping most of them to myself, as many have told me they dont like them. Too bad, I might not like yours either, but I don't say it like you do.
I was married 22 years. One of the biggest complaints I had about it was the fact that I was allowed ideas, thoughts, opinions, but they were always dismissed as wrong. If you were to ask me what my favorite kind of ice cream was, or what is my favorite color, tv show, music etc, then allow me to answer and say its wrong, then why ask at all.
I have a website I have allowed many to view. There I gave some brief synapses of my life in photos, but I need to somewhere state more of my thoughts. I dont know if this is the right place and many who read it cared not a bit of those personally who write them unless they can engage in sex. If they can't, nothing you do or say means shit. I will not allow my life to be reduced to that level.
I will chronologically begin soon to go from the beginning of my transgendered discovery to now shortly.
I hope its worth reading.
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Entry Two
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Posted:Aug 17, 2006 5:30 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 10:31 am
1700 Views
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Last night, Aug 16, was another bike ride. I began hormones in 2000. Up until 2004 I only took various estrogens. I met an endo that knew his business when it comes to us transgendered who added spiro. It made an amazing difference to my physical development. What it also has done over the last two years, is it had lessened my upper body strength. It has also thinned my skin, making bruises and cuts common. Even though I have extensive background experience with computing, the only meaningful jobs I've been able to get have been in warehousing. So my age and determination, work ethic have gotten me something, but not what I would like. So i get worked beyond my limits, and I get covered in bruises. So I get home, eat and I am ready to go to bed, sometimes as early as 5PM. I also think breasts are beautiful when they are the prominent part of my front, not my stomach, so I go on long bike rides. Sometimes 20-30 miles when weather permits. Last night I did just a tour of the area in the sun and got eaten alive by some insects. Oh well.
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Entry One
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Posted:Aug 15, 2006 9:34 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 10:31 am
1692 Views
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I haven't said anything here yet, this is new to me and I hope I can keep it current.
So, once this and some other added goodies get approved, on with the words.
Bye
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To link to this blog (rm_DesireVie) use [blog rm_DesireVie] in your messages.
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